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1 THE ADMIRAL | 
1 OF THE DRY | 


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JOHN DEARING 

THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 






THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 

A COMEDY IN THREE ACT 

BY 

JOHN DEARING 



INTER-CITY PRESS - NEW YORK, N. Y. 



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COPYRIGHT, 1922 
BY JOHN DBARING 



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m 20 1922 



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THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 

A Play in Three Acts 
By John Dearing 

Persons in the Play: 

John Volstead A Bootlegger 

Jack His Son 

Dougal Henchman to John Volstead 

Jonathan Henchman to John Volstead 

Admiral Matilda Cabot of the U. S. Dry Navy 

Bosun Jane of the U. S. Dry Navy 

Gunner Jemima of the U. S. Dry Navy 

Princess of Wales. 

PuTAN Take Hindu Servant of Princess 

Action takes place in Tarpon Island, a British possession three 
miles off the Florida Coast in the year 2020 A. D. 

Scene — A cocoanut-grove in the garden of John Volstead's villa 
near the seashore. 



THE FIRST ACT 



THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 

ACT I 

(Scene, Tarpon Island, the most westernly of the Bahama group. 
A cocoanut grove in the garden of John Volstead's villa, near 
the seashore. Lianas, orchids and tropical vegetation bathed in 
bright sunshine. Prow of a boat on one side and propeller of 
an aeroplane on the other showing from wings. J. V. adeep 
in a hammock from which the receiver of a wireless telephone 
dangles. Two of J. V.'s henchmen, one a Scot and the other 
. a Kentuckian are busy broaching cocoanuts and filling them 
from bottles of whiskey that they take out of a case marked 
"Johnny Walker." Time of the afternoon siesta in the tropics. 
Year 2020 A. p. 
The two men continue their task of uncorking bottles and filling the 
cocoanuts, for a minute or two, without talking. They grunt 
a little as they pitch the filled nuts into a box. John Volstead 
wakes with a yawn and walks towards them swishing a cane. 
He is a well preserved man of about sixty in a palm-beach suit 
and Panama hat. A heavy army revolver hangs from his belt.) 
John Volstead. Dougal, where's my son Jack? 
DouGAL. He left us about half an hour ago, Mr. Volstead. 
John Volstead. Still reading his poetry books, instead of at- 
tending to business. Hells Bells! We live in a sentimental age, 
now the World is ruled by women. Who's going to brand those 
cases of cocoanuts and stencil the correct addresses on them. [Takes 
out a note book and reads.'] Isaac Izenstein, Hotel of the Pleasant 
Passover, Puritan Avenue, Forest Hills. Let's see — how many does 
Izzy want this week. Ten-eighteen-twelve-thirty-f our ! With the 
rest that will mean one hundred cases. Izzy's one of my best custom- 
ers, and I don't wish to disappoint him. If my distinguished ancestor, 
the founder of all bootlegging business, could see what a lazy good- 
for-nothing fellow Jack is he'd turn in his grave! 

Jonathan. Say, Boss, do leave the young fellow alone. He's all 

right. I'll stencil the cases and they sure will catch tonight's flyer. 

J.-V. Hells Bells! You tarnation idiot. Don't you know Forest 

1 



2 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti 

Hills is in the heart of New York City. Let me remind you this 
is the year two thousand and twenty. 

Jonathan. What about it, Mr. Volstead? 

[J.-V. shows considerable ariffer. 

DouGAL. He's thinking that it will be preferable to write the 
address in Hebrew. Dinna ye ken that the New York Post Office 
doesna deliver parcels addressed in English, or at any rate the con- 
signment will be delayed till the address is deciphered by an inter- 
preter. All addresses for New York, Boston and Philadelphia should 
be written in the language of the Prophet Moses. Man, Jonathan, 
if you had been as long at this job as me y'ed ken Mr. Volstead was 
entirely right. 

[Enter Jack. 

J.-V. Where have you been ? You lazy good-for-nothing son of a 
sea pistol! 

Jack. I was admiring the azure-tinted sea as the Caribbean waves 
rolled over from Florida to this Island, the rainbow colored fishes 
in the lagoon, the heavenly white of the seagulls' wings. Oh father, 
with what glorious full-throated song the mocking bird greets his 
mate. I was wondering .... 

J.-V. You always are .... 

Jack. I was wondering, father, why the male bird of a species 
is always larger and stronger and has much more gorgeous plumage 
than the female. In the human race it is otherwise. The cock, for 
example. How the brilliant plumaged chanticleer lords it over the 
hens . . . It is not so today in the human race. 

J.-V. [Gruffly,'\ The women have put it over 'us. 

Jack. Oh, father, why was I born a man? I should have loved 
to have been a woman. Think of the opportunities open to them. 

J.-V. Well, bootlegging is not a bad profession. You are lucky 
to be born to inherit such an old established business as ours is. 

Jack. Indeed I am, father. 

J.-V. And you have had a good education. Did I not send you 
to Harvard? Cut out all that poetical nonsense. Did I send you 
to college to learn all that rubbish? Do you know what I sent you 
to Harvard for? 

Jack. I don't know, father, unless it was to learn Hebrew so 
that I could address packing cases of alcoholic stimulants to the 
Semitic districts of the United States. 

J.-V. Alcoholic stimulants be damned! Hootch! Hootch! 
Hootch! Take up your stencil and get to work! 



ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 3 

Jack. [^Sitting down and addressing a packing case^l Alasl 
Father, I should have been an Elizabethan .... 

J.-V. Hells bells! Whatever for do you want to live in New 
Jersey ? 

Jack. I have lived six hundred years too late. Some say we of 
the twenty-first century live in a poetical age, but I doubt it. We all 
write poetry, but it is bad poetry. We all drink whiskey, but it is 
bad whiskey. How can nightingales live on peanuts. How can 
inspiration come through absorbing . . . hootch? 

DouGAL. What about Rabbie Burns? 

Jack. A thousand pardons, my good Dougal ... he was a 
great poet. 

Dougal. I mind those prophetic words of the bard: "Freedom 
and whiskey gang thegither." 

J.-V. Can your poetry and get on with your work. Confound 
you for a brace of windbags. 

Jack. \As he stencils the case.} Father, don't you think you arc 
a little severe. I didn't choose to be a bootlegger. 

J.-V. Tihere, there, my son, perhaps I was hard on you, but I 
naturally expect such great things of a Volstead. Think of the 
distinguished name you bear. Let me remind you that you are the 
great-great-great-great-grandson of the man whp gave his name 
to the 18th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States 
of America. Volstead, the Patron Saint of our profession. 

Jack. Professor Cohen of Harvard says that we are descended 
from another branch of the family. He has looked up the records 
at Ellis Island. 

J.-V. [Indignantly.] What does he know abotit our family 
a£Eairs? 

Jack. Well, he's a Professor of Genealogy. He ought to know. 

J.-V. This is the flask the great Volstead used to drink from. 
I inherited it from my father. Some day it will be yours. 

Jack. These are old traditions lost in the mists of antiquity 
like Mayflower furniture — but it's grand to think one has great 
ancestors. We live on their deeds. Did our illustrious ancestor 
carry his flask on the hip ? 

J.-V. How should I know; perhaps they didn't have hip-pockets 
in those days. 

Jack. Speaking of our ancestors, I mean the real ones. Wasn't it 
Oley Volstead, my grandfather, who purchased Tarpon Island? 

J.-V. It was. 

Jack. That is why you and I are British subjects. 



4 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act i 

J.-V. Sure .... When my father, your grandfather; bought 
the island on which we are standing now, he found it necessary for 
business reasons, to renxDunce his American nationality and become a 
Britisher. It went very much against the grain with him. 

Jack. Then why did he do it? • 

J.-V. Well, he was a wine-merchant .... 

Jack. You mean a bootlegging one? .... 

J.-V. That's nothing to be ashamed of ! 

Jack. [Quickly.y Oi course not. 

J.-V. You and I, Jack, are straight Americans, although we are 
British subjects. [Wal^s up to a small Union J ack hanging from the 
unstepped mast of the boat and fingers it.'\ Yes, my son, this island 
is British today, but slowly little by little, a few inches every day, 
it is approaching the Florida Coast. 

• Jack. I have heard that before. In Oley Volstead's time how 
far was Tarpon Island from the United States ? 

J.-V. In those days it was five miles across the straits at high 
tide — a full two miles outside the Three Mile Limit fixed by 
international law as the limit of territorial waters. 

• Jack. How far is Tarpon Island distant now from the United 
States? 

J.^V. The last survey by Hutchins and Mutchins of Miami 
showed that at high tide it was three miles fifty yards away. In 
other words, Tarpon Island today is only fifty yards outside the 
Three Mile Limit. 

Jack. Well, we are not far off from Prohibition. Only fifty 
yards! 

- J.-V. The old harbor wall at Palm Beach has changed both the 
configuration of the mainland and of Tarpon Island. The coast of 
Florida is continually changing owing to drifting sand banks. Here 
where I stand is solid coral rock {^whispering confidentiallyl ; beneath 
our feet are ancient hootch cellars hollowed out by Oley Volstead, 
but over there not a hundred yards from us — d'y see that banana 
grove — [pointing] 1 used to swim in ten feet of water when I was 
a youngster. 

Jack. Only the sea is immutable! It never changes! 

J.-V. Cut it out! Can it! 

Jack. Oh father, you do hurt my feelings! 

J.-V. What has a bootlegger to do with such thoughts? You 
should think of improving our business. One of these days I shall 
send you to call on the vice-presidents of the New York Banks. 

Jack. Do you wish to borrow money? 



ACT i] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY | 

J.-V. No, lad, to sell them good, honest-to-God Scotch whiskey. 

Jack. Father, I should be too shy to approach all these grand 
ladies. [A pause. 1 Tell me, father, what will happen when this 
island is situated within the Three Mile Limit? 

J.-V. What will happen ? Why we shall be dry ! 

DouGAL. Dry ! 

Jonathan. Dry! 

J.-V. Sure! High and dry on the beach! 

DoUGAL. Will the fact that a British Island has drifted within 
the Three Mile Limit not lead to international complications be- 
tween England and the United States? Ye ken what they think o' 
Steamships bringing supplies of liquor into New York harbor. It 
seems to me it would give rise to a mair serious viewpoint if an 
Island instead of a steamship were to contravene the law. 

J.-V. The contingency has already been provided for. 

DouGAL. Is that so? 

J.-V. The Haines-Punchford treaty provides that in event of 
Tarpon Island changing its geographical position so that it is inside 
the American Three Mile Limit, Great Britain will exchange it for 
Penguin Island in Alaska. 

DouGAL. And, Mr. Volstead, will you no receive compensation, 
from the British Government for the loss to your business through 
Tarpon Island becoming dry? 

J.-V. I shall not require it of them. 

DouGAL. What for no? 

J.-V. I have a policy with Lloyds to cover the risk of Tarpon 
Island entering the Three Mile Limit of American Territorial 
waters. I shall receive one million dollars indemnity. 

DoUGAL. Isn't that fine? 

J.-V. But do not let us think of that my friends. The old estab- 
lished firm of Volstead owes a duty to its American customers and 
in the meantime we must supply their demands promptly and 
regularly. To work, my lads! Not for nothing the Seven Seas 
know me as the "Hootch King" [reflectivdy]. It would break my 
heart to have to leave Tarpon Island. I have never known another 
home ! 

DouGAL. That's the speerit. Heave ho ! [Lifts a case of cocoa- 
nuts.^ 

Jonathan. Shall we use the airship or the boat to run the cargo 
over to the mainland tonight ? The sea is rough ! 

J.-V. The boat, Jonathan my lad. You can brave the waves] 



6 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti 

[The two men push off in the boat. The telephone bell of the 
wireless sounds and J.-V. snatches up the receiver. 

J.-V. Who's there? 

Voice. [Js through a megaphone or some form of amplifier.'] 
Walker's Distillery, Kilmarnock, Ayr, Scotland. Assistant Manager 
speaking! 

J.-V. How are you Johnny? 

Voice. Still going strong. 

J.-V. Put me on to the American Export Department. Book 
me for a thousand cases c. i. f. by undersea freighter of your "sqtiirrel 
brand." 

Jack. [Aside.] The sort of whiskey that makes you climb trees! 

Voice. An item of interest. 

J.-V. Make it snappy. 

Voice. Admiral Matilda Cabot of the United States Prohibition 
Navy has torpedoed and sunk our last sending of a thousand cases 
by the under-sea ship "Rikiavik." 

Jack. [Aside.] Matilda, dear Matilda! 

J.-V. Double my order and send it by air line route. 

Voice. I'll do that, Mr. Volstead. [Rings off.] 

Jack. We live in a wonderful age. What heights of perfection 
wireless has reached. You can ring tip anybody, anywhere, at any 
time. Our thoughts themselves are scarcely our own. 

J.-V. It's piracy on the High Seas. My clients will be dis- 
appointed. With the Dry Navy cruising in these waters I can get 
no insurance company to take the risk. The hootch is not covered 
by insurance. With whiskey at $10 a case wholesale Admiral Ma- 
tilda Cabot has cost me ten thousand dollars. I'll get even with her. 
I swear it. Zounds, if I lay hands on her I'll break every bone in 
her body. 

Jack. But think, father. Admiral Matilda Cabot is a full Ad- 
miral of the Prohibition Navy of the United States. Surely you 
won't harm her. It would take some courage to do so, I should 
say! 

J.-V. She is the curse of all honest seafaring bootleggers between 
Cape Race and Key West. 

Jack. Is it not Matilda's, I mean Admiral Matilda Cabot's 
duty to put down smuggling? 

J.-V. That's a nasty word. You accuse your father of being a 
smuggler. 

Jack. Smugglers, father, are picturesque and romantic charac- 
ters. They used to sail in -luggers and live in caves. 



ACT I] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY > 

J.-V. Romance be blowed. But if you want romance I tell you 
it's right here in Tarpon Island! As for caves, the coral rock of 
the island is honeycombed with hootch cellars. Wasn't it from this 
island that Blackbeard and his buccaneers preyed upon the Spanish 
Main. Red gold in galleons, bar silver all bloody after the fight. 
Men with hooks instead of hands. I've read books about 'cm. 
Smugglers used luggers. I use airships. I guess I'm as romantic as 
those tarnation smugglers, and an honest bootlegger to boot. If the 
U. S. customs 'd accept duty I'd be a wine merchant. In fact I am 
today a bootlegging wine merchant. Hells bells! Why should 
Admiral Matilda Cabot interfere with my business. Is it just? Is 
it right? Is it equitable? Hells Bells! Hells Bells! Hells Bells! 
Jack. But hark, I hear the sound of the bell. [Sings it like 
MacHeath in the Beggars Opera.] 
J.-V. Cut it out. Jack. 
Jack. All right, dad. 

J.-V. I love the excitement of this life. The pleasure of running 
a thousand cases of Scotch to irrigate that continent over there, 
right under the nose of the dry navy, is meat and drink to me. 
Jack. It certainly is drink! ....... 

J.-V. And meat as well, for we make our living by it. I love 
danger. Do you see that, lad? [Bares his forearm.] That's the 
mark of a bullet. I got it rum-running when I was scarce your 
age. 

Jack. Yes, father, I know you love danger. If there were no 
risk you'd have retired from business long ago. It's these desperate 
ventures that attract yoti. I wish I had your courage. I feel so 
meek! 

J.-V. Any flapper could knock you out in the first round. Why 
don't you go in for athletics . . . wrestling . . . boxing? 
[Puts up his fists.] 

Jack. Only girls do that these days. I wish that I had your 
courage. How well I remember your quelling a mutiny on the 
island when twelve of your dago rufiians led by Francesco Murillo 
demanded fifty cents a bottle instead of thirty-five for landing the 
goods. 

J.-V. Say, did'nt I scare 'em. They wished themselves a thousand 
light years out of my sight. I giiess Francesco still bears the marks 
of my hands on his throat. If it hadn't been for his garlic breath 
I'd have choked him. [Lights a cigar.] I'll treat Admiral Matilda 
Cabot the same way as I treated Francesco. See if I don't get even 
with her for sinking the "Rikiavik." 



$ THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act i 

Jack. Father . . . surely . . . [jEatiV John Volstead] 
i . . [reflectively] . . . why Dad wouldn't dare to harm 
Matilda. She'd eat up a dozen men like him. Eat them up! I'll 
ask her not to devour dad. 

J.-V. [Re-entering excitedly.] Jack, I see Admiral Matilda 
Cabot's flagship, the "Sahara," steaming northward. If she only 
landed here. I'd get even with the hussy! 

[Rushes off the scene and shouts the alarm to DouGAL and Jona- 
than. Jack creeps up to the radio receiver. He turns the 
dial round several times till he obtains the correct number and 
finds himself in communication with the yeowoman of signals 
aboard the "Sahara." 
Jack. Is that the flagship "Sahara"? 
Voice. I'm the yeowoman of signals aboard her. 
Jack. I want to speak to the Admiral. 
Voice. Yes, sir. I'll put you through! 
Jack. Matilda, darling! I'm on Tarpon Island! 
Voice. You dear thing! Wait on the beach. I'll swim ashore 
as soon as we drop anchor. Ducky . . . duck . . . duck ! 

Jack. If my father knew that I was in love with Admiral Ma- 
tilda Cabot ! I'll get some dry towels ready. She hates to get her 
feet sandy. "Ducky . . . duck . - . duck" she called me, and she's 
going to swim ashore. In the old days Leander the Man swam 
to embrace Hero the Woman. Now in the 21st Century it is the 
woman who does the swimming. Women ! Women ! They rule 
the world. We men live only by their clemency. I feel quite shy. 
[Reappears with a 'lantern and a bath towel.] Ducky! duck! duck! 
[Sits down with his hands on his knees.] I'll wait for her. Tftiis light 
shall guide my Hero across the Hellespont to her Leander, 

[The curtain drops and as it rises Jack is found in the same 

position. Moonlight, which brightens slowly as the moon rises 

above the palm grove. The voice of a mocking bird is heard. 

The silhouettes of battleships pricked with points of light 

appear in the straits and on the Florida coast a 'lighthouse's 

beams revolve like the wings of a windmill. 

Jack. [Looking seawards.] I see her strong white arm cleaving 

the Caribbean sea. How she must love me to brave the fury of 

those white-capped waves. The waters, too, abound in man-eating 

sharks ! 

[Matilda appears. She is a fine buxom woman with a good 
figure; she is dressed in a red bathing costume. 
Matilda. Jack! 



ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 9 

Jack. Dear Admiral! 

Matilda. Oh you darling boy (she throws her arms around him 

Jack. \_Facetioudy.'\ How dry we are! [tenders her half the 
bath-towel and dries his palm-beach suit with thg other half.] 

Matilda. Adored one! [Looks at him languorously.] Let us 
sit in the hammock. 

Jack. Do you think we ought? 

Matilda. Sure ! 

[They sit down in the hammock. 

Jack. Are your feet very sandy ? 

Matilda. Yes, darling. 

Jack. [Wiping them.] Now we are dry. 

Matilda. Thanks, dear. 

Jack. Why 1 declare your left foot is bleeding. [Appears 
horrified at the sight of blood.] 

Matilda. Probably a shark bit it or 1 stepped on a clam. It's 
nothing. 

Jack. What courage! 

Matilda. We girls didn't think much of such a small matter at 
the Naval Academy at Annapolis. 

Jack. I declare, your little toe is bitten off! 

Matilda. Nonsense ! 

Jack. [Reaching for the wireless.] Shall I call the fleet sur- 



geon 



Matilda. No Jack! She must not know I am here! Nobody 
must know that I am here! That is why I lowered myself down 
secretly through a torpedo port and swam ashore. If it were com- 
mon property in the Prohibition Navy that the Admiral had violated 
the 19th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States by kiss- 
ing out of doors and out of wedlock it would create a most terrible 
scandal. 

Jack. Would it, dear Admiral? 

Matilda. Yes, Jack, and it would be bad for discipline. 

Jack. But your poor toe. 

Matilda. I will grow another. Admiral Nelson lost an eye and 
an arm and won the Battle of Trafalgar. Surely I can lose one 
of my toes without hurting my career. 

Jack. You may get blood poisoning. Let me call the Fleet 
Surgeon ? 

Matilda. No, Jack. I would nut disturb the wine party she 
is giving in the officers' mess tonight. 



10 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act i 

Jack. I thought that the "Sahara" was dry — the flagship of the 
Dry Navy! 

Matilda. So she is, but I suspect she will not be tonight, as the 
Fleet Surgeon's last requisition of wines for medicinal use was large 
enough to float a jolly-boat full of husky sailor girls bound for shore 
to show their beaux a good time. I surmise Fleet Surgeon Antonia 
Trollope is blind to the world already and if I did call her would 
probably amputate my leg to save my toe. 

[Various amorous demonstrations lasting about twenty seconds. 

Jack. Tell me, dear Admiral, why you did not come ashore in 
a boat. You had only to give the word and a dozen motor launches 
would have been dropped from the davits of the "Sahara." Was all 
this secrecy really necessary? 

Matilda. Well . . . 

Jack. [Shaking a finger at her.'\ We men are shrewd observers 
of the workings of the female mind. 

Matilda. I do not doubt it. Psycho Analysis is the weapon of 
the weak .... 

Jack. But I love you all the more for what you have done. 
Confess, my darling, that you swam ashore through these shark- 
infested waters that I might admire your courage. 

Matilda. Oh, Jack. How you men read our hearts. 

Jack. But I am, I hope, a real man and I love you for this proof 
of love, but promise me you won't swim back. 

Matilda. Jack, if you send me away I swear I will! 

Jack. How wonderful. You have such power and yet you seem, 
well .... must I say it — well you seem so devoted to me. 

Matilda. Of course I am, my boy . . . and yet, Jacky 
darling, although I possess all the power that Congress confers upon 
me as "Admiral of the Dry" I am mortally afraid of breaking the 
19th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States relating 
to osculation off the premises and out of wedlock. 

Jack. Matilda, darling what what is oscula- 
tion? 

Matilda. Oh, you dear, innocent, little creature. [Kisses him 
violently. 1 This . . . that ... is osculation! 

Jack. My heart is broken as well as the Nineteenth Amendment. 
Do it again, dear Admiral! 

Matilda. My darling . . . and . . . so . . . you . . . love 
me [Looks at him adoringly.^ 

Jack. Isn't it nice breaking the laws! 

Matilda. Oh you duck. I could crush you in my arms. 



ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 11 

Jack. How strong your arms are, Matilda. Have you kissed 
another man as you kiss me? 

Matilda. No, darling. You are the first. Seawomen have no 
time for such frivolities. 

Jack. And yet, dear Matilda, I have heard strange stories of 
seawomen. A husband in every port. We poor, poor men, It is 
not possible that you could kiss so well if I were the first. Your lips 
seem to possess this magic touch through long practice. I have 
heard 

Matilda. [Curtly.} You men have nothing to do but sit at 
home and talk scandal. There . . . there . . . don't cry. Let mc 
tell you how I love you. 

Jack. Dear one. 

Matilda. [Singinff.'] Jack's the boy for me. 

Jack. How handsome you are . . . tell me, Matilda, when 
you received my message over the wireless, what were you doing? 
I long to know. 

Matilda. How well I remember. At the moment I was busy 
writing my dispatches to the Secretary of the Navy relating to my 
action of the 21st ultimo in torpedoing the Danish undersea ship 
"Rikiavik" seven days out of the Port of Glasgow and bound for 
Bimini in the Bahamas. I had just finished dictating these dis- 
patches when Clarence . . . 

Jack Clarence ... a man on your vessel ! I thought there 
were only women. Who is he? 

Matilda. Oh, he is only my stenographer. 

Jack. I didn't know you had a man stenographer. 

Matilda. We call him an amanuensis on the ship's pay roll. 

Jack. What an old-fashioned word. 

Matilda. The Navy has its ancient traditions and we must 
respect them. 

Jack. But I didn't know there was a man on the "Sahara" . . . 
a man amanuensis . . . 

Matilda. [Laughing.'] Do you expect him to be a woman? 
No woman would be stenographer or a-man 

Jack. . ., u — en — sis 

Matilda. Thanks. 

Jack. Of course not, we are in the twenty-first century. 

Matilda. The world, led by the Woman's Clubs of America, has 
hoisted the banner of female revolt which today has spread all over 
the globe, even to Turkey, and China, and India. 

Jack. True. 



12 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti 

Matilda. Yes, and Africa. 

Jack. Really. 

Matilda. Yes, indeed ... in Mohammedan countries the 
women are no longer cooped up in harems. 

Jack. I suppose not. 

Matilda. No siree ! A woman over there keeps her husbands 
in a harem. 

Jack. How cruel of her. 

Matilda. In Salt Lake City the tables have been turned and a 
she-Mormon sits down to dinner with her Mormon husbands who 
do the cooking and washing up, and mind the babies. I mean the 
baby. 

Jack. [Innocently.l Do the women still give birth to children 
or do the men give birth to them now? 

Matilda. No, that has not been altered. You talk nonsense 
. . . but I am digressing. Let me tell you what I was doing 
when I received your wireless message. 

Jack. Yes, darling. How I want to know . . . everything 
. the precise minute . . . what you were doing . . . 
what you were thinking about. 

Matilda. As I said before, the moment I received your message 
I was busy dictating my dispatches to the Secretary of the Navy on 
the subject of my action in sinking by torpedo the Danish undersea 
boat "Rikiavik" of ten thousand tons, laden with a cargo of mixed 
drinks exceeding in strength the half of one per cent allowed by the 
so-called Volstead Act of last century. Suddenly Clarence called 
my attention to the red light in my cabin above the emergency fire 
control of our forward battery. "Someone to speak to you. Admiral," 
said he, looking up at the indicator. "Shall I put you through?" I 
re-read the sentence in my report ending with "ten thousand cases 
of Scotch" and slowly took up the receiver. Judge of my delight 
when I heard your sweet voice over those leagues of sea water. I 
immediately gave instructions to the Fleet to postpone our manoeuvers 
and changed the course of my flagship. The other three batttleships 
and five destroyers forming my squadron followed suit. It was a 
glorious sight to see the manner in which they were manoeuvered 
as the great ships and destroyers of the Dry Navy answered their 
helms and buffeted their way through the waves of a stiff nor-easter 
towards Tarpon Island. Little did I dream, darling, before I re- 
ceived your message, that you were so near. I thought you were 
still in college at Harvard. That was why the fleet was bound for 
Bostonian waters . . . but the Dry Fleet can conduct its ma- 



ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 13 

noeuvers equally well off the coast of Florida . . . and it will 
save several ounces of radium to Auntie Sam for fuel. 

Jack. In the old days they called her Uncle Sam. 

Matilda. Was that not an insult to the Republic? The women 
must have been asleep. 

Jack. [Feebly.] But men were a little mote liberal minded, 
weren't they, in the days of their rule. Was not the Statue of 
Liberty they put up at the entrance to New York harbor a female 
figure? 

Matilda. Well, it's still standing . . . men only do things 
by halves. If we women reform we reform properly. Out and out. 
We're out and outers. 

Jack. Isn't the old Statue of Liberty somewhat delapidated? 
I've never seen it, but my father says so. 

Matilda. Well, its all right . . . but the Navy's going to 
tow it out to sea and use it as a target for gunnery practice, since 
the women made a new one, very much larger, higher, indeed, than 
the old bridge across the Hudson at New York ... a thousand 
feet high or more. 

Jack. I'd love to see the new Statue of Liberty ... of 
cotirse the old one was out of date. It represented old-fashioned 
ideals . . . but are you sure that it is right to scrap it? 

Matilda. Sure. We're out and outers. 

Jack. I should love to see New York. I have friends at Forest 
Hills. They live in the fortieth floor of an apartment house in 
Puritan Avenue, next door to the Passover Hotel. 

Matilda. I'll disguise you as a woman and you shall come aboard 
my flagship. I'll sail for New York. 

Jack. I really couldn't think of it. It wouldn't be respectable. 

Matilda. A fig I care about respectability. I only care about 
breaking the Prohibitory Laws. I have no other moral code. Why 
should I worry ... of course they might get me under the 
Mann Act if I took you aboard — taking a man from one state to 
another is a serious offence. 

Jack. Don't you think that there are too many of these Blue 
Laws? 

Matilda. No, of course not. Don't you and I live by them? 

Jack. What do you mean? 

Matilda. Aren't you a bootlegger? 

Jack. Well, I address the cases of nuts for my father. Yes, I 
suppose I am. 

Matilda. And am I not the Admiral of the Dry? 



14 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acti 

Jack, [Looking at her with admiration.'] Yes, dear. Oh, darling, 
what a strange happening that an Admiral of the Dry Navy should 
$all in love with a bootlegger. 

Matilda. I have a great admiration for bootleggers. Of course 
I wage war on them, but they keep me in "rum." 

Jack. What? Do you drink "rum"? 

Matilda. I sure do. Try me ! 

[Jack leaves the hammock and picks up a cocoanut. 

Jack. Try this brand. It's "Johnny Walker" as supplied to the 
Hotel of the Pleasant Passover, Forest Hills. 

Matilda. Must I drink it out of a cocoanut like an anthropoid 
ape? 

Jack. Yes, dear Admiral. 

Matilda. I suppose. Jack, it was your ancestor who taught the 
human race to drink out of nuts like gorillas in an African jungle. 

Jack. My alleged ancestor perhaps . . . how funny you 
look drinking out of a cocoanut. 

[Claps his hands in delight. 

Matilda. Well, isn't it appropriate? 

Jack. Why ? 

Matilda. We are all descended from monkeys . . . or at 
least Darwin says so . . . Jack ! I'd like to show yoti my wine- 
cellar aboard the "Sahara." 

Jack. An oasis in the Sahara, I suppose. 

Matilda. After we capture a prize the choicest wines and 
cordials in the vessel's hold are reserved for my table. Oi course 
I go fifty-fifty with the Sec. 

Jack. Do you . . . Who's the Sec? 

Matilda. I mean Mrs. Josephus, the Secretary of the Navy in 
Washington. 

Jack. Oh, I see . . . Aren't you feeling cold after your 
swim? 

Matilda. I was, but this "rum" has warmed me up . . . 
it's like cream. Your father deals in the right goods ... a 
little diluted perhaps. 

Jack. Worth-while people expect the best . . . dear Admiral. 
Why don't you send for your uniform in case you catch a chill? 
Can't I wireless? 

Matilda. Well, I am feeling a little cold. In the tropics it gets 
very cool immediately after sundown, and then warms up later. 

Jack. [Takes up the wireless receiver and shouts.} Send the Ad- 
miral's kit ashore! 



ACTi] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY V5 

Matilda. I shall be suspected of breaking the 18th and 19th 
Amendments if any of the ship's company find me here. 

Jack. That's all right. [Hands her a cigarette.^ Here you are 
... break the 20th as well ! 

Matilda. I will brave their censure. The cocoanut has given me 
courage. \Kisses Jacki\ 

Jack. As well to be caught for a sheep as a lamb. 

Matilda. A thought has just struck me! 

Jack. What is it? 

Matilda. I have not violated the 18th Amendment by drinking 
from this cocoanut. 

Jack, No ? 

Matilda. ... or broken the 19th by kissing you. 

Jack. No ? 

Matilda. ... or transgressed against the 20th by smoking 
this cigarette. 

Jack, Really . . . so it doesn't seem so nice? 

Matilda. No, I have not. I am perfectly in order. My conduct 
is irreproachable. Why . , . we are outside the Three Mile Limit ! 

Jack, Yes, Matilda . . . you are fifty yards outside it. 
Tarpon Island is three miles and fifty yards from the Florida Coast 
. . . wont you give me another kiss before you change into your 
Admiral's uniform? 

Matilda. Yes, darling. [Embraces him fondly.] .... 
. . . . I'll be back in a brace of shakes when I've changed into 
naval togs. Don't be frightened at being left alone. I gave the 
strictest instructions that all hands were to remain aboard the fleet 
so that we could enjoy complete privacy. No sailorwomen of the 
Dry Fleet will molest you. You have no cause for apprehension. Nol 
a liberty woman from the fleet will be on Tarpon Island tonight. 

Jack. Hark . . . 

Matilda. What is it? 

Jack. I heard a crash in that palm thicket. 

Matilda. My suit case dropped from an aeroplane. I'll change 
and be back in a few minutes. That palm grove will be my boudoir. 
My mirror the moonlit lagoon. 

Jack. No women of the Dry Fleet will cause me embarrassment 
while you are away? 

Matilda. No woman of the fleet dare disobey my orders and 
come ashore. Discipline aboard my squadron is perfect. Should I 
catch a woman disobeying my commands I'd string her to the yard 
arm or electrocute her on the "Sahara's" dynamo. 

[Throws a kiss and departs, leaving Jack alone. 



THE SECOND ACT 



ACT II 

Jack. How lonely I feel . . . what a long time Admiral 
Matilda takes to change into uniform. Perhaps she's lost a cuff 
button. [Shades his eyes and looks seawards.^ There are the great 
vessels of the Admiral's fleet lying at anchor with a single searchlight 
from the flagship playing on the straits between Tarpon Island and 
Florida. What would Leif Ericson the Viking, the first discoverer 
of America, think of such great iron vessels, twinkling with a myriad 
of red and white lights . . . protecting his beloved Wineland 
. . . and to think that Admiral Maltilda Cabot who commands 
this great squadron of fighting ships . . . loves me ... it 
would make any man proud. \_A paused] I always was ambitious 
. . . before I knew Matilda I used to wish that I were the 
Princess of Wales. Her mother, the Queen of England, sends her 
all over the world on a great battleship called the "Renown." She 
visits India, Canada, the United States, Egypt and Russia. Tihe Re- 
publics of the World entertain her and fete her wherever she goes. 
She hunts tigers, plays polo, and sticks pigs. She is the greatest 
Ambassadress of the British Empire and is going to settle the Irish 
Question once and for all. I have a great admiration for her . . . 
but she cannot compare with Matilda. The Princess in part owes 
her greatness to an accident of birth, while Admiral Matilda Cabot 
has risen to her high position by sheer merit and personality. Why, 
her mother sold salt cod in Boston and her father, before he was 
married, was a telephone operator in some New York hotel . . . 
How I love her. {A pause.] I remember when I was at Harvard 
one Hallowe'en night I slept with a slice of wedding cake under my 
pillow, and strangely enough I dreamed of a woman of high rank 
in the naval service who solicited my hand. After all, there is some 
compensation in being a man in the twenty-first century. The women 
do show us a good time, pay for our meals at restaurants, buy us 
bouquets and take us out to theatres. Dear Matilda . . . dear 
Admiral . . . [throws a kiss towards the palm grove] . . . 
I do long to see you in your uniform . . . What a tinie 
you take to change . . . [sfops abruptly] . . . What is 
that noise . . . who is there? [Appears frightened.] 

16 



ACT II] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 17 

[Enter Dougal and Jonathan, arm in arm with two sailor 
women of the Dry Navy. The Boatswain is dressed as a 
sailor and the gunner in the uniform of a marine. A full "rum" 
bottle in yellow and two empty glasses in white, the insignia 
of the Prohibition Navy, are sewn on the back of the bosun s 
collar and on the back of the marine's tunic. These badges 
of the Dry Navy only become visible when the women turn 
their backs, which they do after the lapse of a minute or two. 
Gunner Jemima. Cheery ho, my lads. Say ! We are in clover. 
Here's where the cocoanuts grow . . . Johnny Volstead's bottles. 
Dougal. [Noticing Jack.] I'll thank you. Jack, to absent your- 
self. You widnae want to play gooseberrie. We intend to hae a 
wee entertainment all to oorselves. 

Jack. I'll go, Dougal . . . I'll go! 

Jonathan. You wont tell your father, Mr. Volstead, what we're 
doing? 

Jack. Trust me; a man can keep a secret . . . I'm going 



now 



Bosun Jane. Well some men can. Come here, my pretty lad. 
[Attempts to kiss Jack^ who eludes the she-Bosun s embrace and 
escapes. 

Jack. Admiral Matilda! Admiral Matilda! One of your sailors 
has tried to kiss me ! 

Gunner. Let's sit down on the turf together and have a moon- 
light picnic. 

[They all sit down in positions appropriate to such an occasion. 

Bosun. Gunner, tell the lads how we sunk the booze ship last 
Monday. 

Gunner. [Modesttly.l You tell them. Bosun . . . You 
saw the affair better than I did. You was on the bridge with Admiral 
Matilda. 

Bosun. There's nothing to it . . . 'twas an every-day inci- 
dent . . . booze ships are plentiful in these waters. We sink 
them all and send them to D. Jones's locker. Heigh ho, and a bottle 
of rum! But I'll spin you the yarn. [Hitches up her trousers and 
produces a corn-cob pipe.^ 

Gunner. Avast there, you old polecat. You're breaking the 20th 
Amend ! 

Bosun. Shiver my timbers hearty. We're outside the Three Mile 
Limit! See that flag? This island is the property of Queen Fictitia 
the Fourth, Queen of England and Empress of India. [Picks up a 



18 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii 

cocoanut.] I'll drink the old lady's health . . . gents and Gun- 
ner! 

Gunner. Coupled with that of her daughter the Princess of 
Wales ! All together ! The Princess of Wales ! 

Bosun. She's a great friend of Admiral Matilda . . . they 
played golf together at Monte Carlo . . . when the fleet visited 
the Mediterranean last Fall. I acted as caddie. 

DouGAL. I hear the British battle-cruiser "Renown" with the 
Princess aboard is somewhere in these seas steaming for the Panama 
Canal en route for India. The Princess of Wales is making another 
tour in those parts. 

Bosun. That's true, and I have it from the Yeowoman of Signals 
aboard the "Sahara" that the Princess and Admiral Matilda have had 
many a talk together over the wireless telephone during the last few 
days. I should say the "Renown" at the present moment was in the 
25th parallel in longitude 77.85 East, which position would place 
her about 150 miles from Tarpon Island. I wonder if the Princess 
will pay Admiral Matilda Cabot a visit. 

Jonathan. Well, the Princess of Wales has a soft job anyway 
. . . You ladies must be feeling dry in this tropical climate. 

Bosun. You've said a mouthful. 

DouGAL. [Breakinff open a box of cocoanutsJ] Good mountain 
dew of Glenlevit, lassies, from the hills and moors of bonny Scotland. 
The land of the Mountains, the Valleys, and the Heroes! {^Sings. 
Pherson had a Son. Married Noah's Daughter! 
Nearly spoilt the Flood by drinking up the water. 
I at least believe it . . . if it had have been 
Mix. . . .ed . . . with . . . Glenlevit! 

Bosun. Well sung, my lad . . . and I'll take a drop of 
Glenlevit. 

DouGAL. Thankee kindly! 

Gunner. What about the sinking of the booze ship. Bosun? 

Bosun. There's nothing to it. Gunner, a mere piker's job . . . 
She would not heave to when our Admiral fired a shot across her 
bows and she tried to submerge. So we sunk her with gunfire and 
torpedo. 

Gunner. I'll tell you a secret, Bosun. 

Bosun. Go ahead. A woman can keep a secret. 

Gunner. We missed the booze ship with the first four torpedoes 
and the first sixteen rounds from our big guns. 

Bosun. That was bad shooting 



ACTii] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 19 

Gunner. I put on a new hand to lay the guns and sight the 
torpedo. 

Bosun. [Interested.l Who was she? 

Gunner. Hist. It wasn't a "she." 

Bosun. Is that so ... a male gunner. Did he fire that 
peach of a shot I saw from the bridge. I didn't know we had a man 
on the "Sahara" . . . except . . . Clarence . . . the 
Admiral's typewriter. 

Gunner. It was him. That's the secret! 

Bosun. Gee wizz ... I never should have dreamt itl 

Gunner. Men are certainly going some. 

Bosun. I should say they were . . . but I've heard it said that 
in the old days men were better shots than women. They used to 
practice on barn doors and haystacks. 

Gunner. [Gallantly.] It's something to do with their eyes. 
[Looking aP Jonathan.] Men have such pretty eyes! 

Bosun. You'd better not let on too much about Clarence's shoot- 
ing. If the Admiral heard about it she'd haul you over the coals 
for letting a man go near the sixteen inch guns, and why if Mrs. 
Josephus, the Secretary of the Navy, learnt about it she'd demote 
us all, and put men in our places for the sake of economy. 

Gunner. Come now, Bosun, it's not as bad as that. It is not 
men's work to handle artillery. 

\_All laugh at the idea. 

Jonathan. Tell us about the Battle of Tripoli, Bosun. 

Bosun. Sure, Jonathan ! Give me something to wet my whistle. 
[Takes a drink.] It was this way. I'm no politician but the battle 
of Tripoli took place, if I'm not mistook, over the question of the 
20th Amendment of the Constitution of the United States relating 
to the Prohibition of Tobacco, The Toorks was a trying to send 
shiploads of Turkish tobacco from Cavalla in Macedonia and from 
Smyrna in Asia Minor into Mexico with the obvious purpose of 
re-exporting the weed into the smokeless territory of Auntie Sam in 
violation of our Constitution. They got fair warning, and it was 
up to them! Mrs. Woodrow Harding sent the Sultana Fatitna 
Kamel at least ten notes and three ultimatums . . . 

Gunner. What's an ultimatum . . . 

Bosun. You've got me, lass, I don't know . . . but our 
lady President sent three. That will be two years ago . . . the 
30th of January . . . two-o-one-eight. 

DouGAL. Sounds like a telephone number! 

Bosun. The year two-o-one-eight or two thousand and eighteen 



20 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii 

is two years ago and the Battle of Tripoli was fought on a Friday 
on the 30th of January, and the day after tomorrow will be its second 
anniversary. At the beginning of January, two-o-one-eight, Ad- 
miral Matilda Cabot's squadron was acruising off the coast of Spain 
watching the sherry wine vintage. Them Spaniards require some 
watching too ! Take it from me ! I was on one or two of our landing 
parties that blew up bodegas ... as they call the sherry ware- 
houses in those furring parts. We was taking no chance of any 
sherry being landed in America. You see we had sent Spain an ulti- 
matum the week before. That's why we sent landing parties to blow 
up the bodegas! 

DouGAL. I mind that fine ... it was two years since. 

Bosun. Well, as I just said, Admiral Matilda's squadron was 
cruising off Spain when instructions came from Washinigton, and her 
fleet sailed under sealed orders, which when opened at sea told us 
to seize the Turkish Merchant Fleet, laden with tobacco, anchored 
in the Bay of Tripoli in Asia Minor. The merchantmen were under 
strong Turkish escort comprising seven battleships and eight destroy- 
ers. Barbarossa Beava Hanem was the name of the Turkish Ad- 
miral . . . cause her dad had a red beard. The land batteries 
of Tripoli were strongly placed and linked up to the Toorks' squadron 
so that Barbarossa Beava Hanem could discharge the guns by wire- 
less. There was 120,000 hogsheads of tobacco aboard the Turkish 
merchant ships awaiting to sail . . . about three years' crop of 
four vilayets as they call the states in those furring parts. Say 
. . . that was a day glorious in the history of the Dry Navy! 

Gunner, I should say it was. Bosun! 

Bosun. I was standing at attention in the conning tower of the 
"Sahara" awaiting orders. Admiral Matilda Cabot was looking 
over a chart of the Bay of Tripoli. The Turkish shells from the 
shore batteries was abursting all round us sending spouts of water 
as high as the old Hudson Bridge when they hit the sea. 'Tive fathoms 
over the bar," says Admiral Matilda, just as cool as if she waur 
playing chess . . . "it'll just float the "Lex Prohibita." I'll 
risk it. Bosun Jane," says she . . . "give me a lucky strike cig- 
arette." "They're toasted," says I, handing her one. "So they are, 
Bosun," says she . . . "and so'll be the Fatimas afore I've done 
with them" . . . and with that she ordered our forward bat- 
teries to open on the Toorks, and they roared like thunder and 
belched out death and destruction on the enemy. I watched Admiral 
Matilda's hand as she lit the cigarette I'd given her. Did it shake? 
No, my lads ! It was as steady as mine is now, as I hold this damned 



ACT II] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 21 

nut . . . and then she turns to me and says, "Bosun Jane, run 
up Old Glory at the peak ... it reminds me of George Wash- 
ington." "You've forgotten the Dry Flag," says I . . . "Oh, 
hell," says she . . . "well, run it up too . . . the catspaw 
on it reminds me of Pussyfoot Johnson." 

DouGAL. What were the names of the vessels of Admiral Matilda 
Cabot's squadron? 

Bosun. She had the battleships "Sahara," "Volstead," "Vin- 
land" and "Lex Prohibita," only four, mark you, against Admiral 
Barbarossa Beava's seven, although we had twelve destroyers to the 
Tborks' ten. Our destroyers were "A" and "B" flotillas of the Dry 
Navy. In squadron "A" was the "Coca Cola," "Eskimo Pie," 
"Beavo," "Budweiser," "Sherbert" and "Pluto." Squadron "B" 
was made up of the destroyers "Vermouth," "Marsala," "Gin Riky," 
"Mint Julep," "Absinthe" and "Hyball" . . . Admiral "Tilda" 
. . . we calls her "Tlilda" for short . . . [slyly] . . . 
sometimes we calls her "Clarence" ... as she's got a cr'ush 
on her stenographer . . . well, as . . . 

[Enter Admiral Matilda Cabot, dressed in full uniform, 
medals and decorations, wearing a sword. 

Matilda. Has anyone seen . , . why, what does this drunk- 
fen debauch mean, women? Drinking and carousing among sailors 
of the Dry! [Bosun and Gunner rise to their feet with some diffi- 
culty and salute.] 

Bosun. Beg pardon. Admiral of the Dry. 

Gunner. I didn't know, Admiral Cabot, that you was ashore. 

Matilda. You've broken ship! 

Bosun and Gunner together. We're not the only defaulters. 
All the ship's crew is ashore ! 

DouGAL. Can ye no hear the merry sailor lassies shouting in the 
cocoanut groves? 

Matilda. Silence . . . another word and I'll string you up 
to trees . . . you, Bosun Jane, whom I trusted, and you. Gun- 
ner Jemima. I had thought better of you. Were you not with me 
both at the Battle of Tripoli when we trounced the Turks. Shame 
on you. You'll answer for this! Have I no one in my fleet that I 
can rely on . . . except Clarence ... a mere man . . . 
{half draws her sword and then sheaths it with a click] . . . 
Ha! Ha! consorting with bootleggers! In league perhaps with rum 
runners . . . You are discharged from the Dry Navy without 
pension ! 
. BosuN. Have pity, Admiral! Think of my husband and family 



22 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii 

in Kalamazoo, Mich. He and our five young children depend upon 
my efforts for their support. All my life has been spent in the 
service of my country. I know no other job. As a girl ... a 
mere flapper ... I joined the Dry Navy. 

Gunner. And me too, lady Admiral. 

Matilda. Miserable vromen. You should both have thought of 
that before you committed so serious a breach of discipline! 

Bosun. [On her knees.] One day, Admiral, you \»^ill be a mother 
yourself. Think . . . think of my little ones! 

Matilda. [Somewhat touched.] Well, you are both deprived of 
a week's pay and lose six months' seniority. Had you not both served 
me well at the Battle of Tripoli, hark'ee, I'd have strung you up to 
trees like dead coyotes! 

Bosun and Gunner together. May God bless you, Admiral, 
for a generous, kind hearted soul. 

Matilda. See that it doesn't occur again or it will go ill with 
you . . . Have you seen a gentleman called Jack Volstead? 

All Together. Yes, Admiral. 

Matilda. Well, go and find him! I wish to question him on the 
present geographical position of Tarpon Island and if it is still inside 
the Three Mile Limit. If it is within the Three Mile Limit I 
shall hoist the Stars and Stripes and make the Island dry. 

DouGAL. Is it no rather late the night for such cross examination 
of Mr. Jack. 

Jonathan. Would not tomorrow be better? 

Matilda. It is my wish. Go and get him . . . he is about 
here somewhere. I have just seen him. [Aside.] Oh where is dear 
Jack. Could he have been molested by the drunken sailor women of 
the "Sahara." I ought never to have left him! [To the others.] Be 
gone and bring him to me . . . in the name of the President. 
Take care, bootleggers, not to anger me more or I'll keel-haul you 
both. 

All Together. [Glad to get away.] Aye! aye! Admiral! 

[Curtain drops and rises on roseate dawn — 
Matilda alone on stage. 

Matilda. I have spent the night in that hammock . . . well, 
I've often fared worse . . . but its uncomfortable to sleep in 
the full uniform of an Admiral of the Prohibition Navy. I've been 
pecked in the neck by this Serbian decoration of the Order of the 
White Eagle . . . and Jack did not put in an appearance . . . 
although I sent Bosun Jane, when she came back again about midnight, 
to tell him I was here . . . waiting for him in this palm grove. 



ACTii] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 23 

The mosquitoes were terrible . . . worse than the Serbian White 
Eagle . . . but my love for Jack hurt me worse than mosqui- 
toes' bites or the eagle's peck. [Pauses and looks around.^ If I were 
not an Admiral I would go and search for him myself, but if I did 
do so my sailorwomen would think I was bent on breaking some blue 
law. There are so many different amendments to the Constitution 
since women run my country that it is difficult to know how to regu- 
late one's conduct and not run afoul of them . . . sometimes I 
almost think that men did things better in the early days when Wash- 
ington was President of the Republic ... I do wonder, though, 
how people knew Right from Wrong in those Dark Ages with no 
legal signposts to show the sheep tracks from the goat tracks. [Looks 
at her watch.'] I will wait another minute ... I say that 
. . . but my heart tells me that I shall wait longer, so much I 
love the boy. How I love that youth Volstead! The thought of 
Clarence is submerged below the water-line of my affection. Cupid's 
arrows have shot me through the heart in spite of all these medals 
I wear, which would seem to make my breast impervious to such 
darts. I am waterlogged in folly. I can battle against the Turks 
but not against his love. My heart is enfiladed, bombed, torpedoed, 
broken by gunfire. I am clean put out of action and lie rocking to 
and fro in the trough of my emotions. If he does not come soon I 
shall shut myself Up in the musty locker of Daisy Jones! Where is 
the dear one? Oh that I could envelope him in n^ arms . . . 
Oh indignity that I should be so enslaved by such k creature as a 
man . . . and yet I love him. Perhaps it is . . . the voice 
of Nature whTspering in my ear . . . urging me to be a mother 
. . . Until now men have been my pastime . . . hark, 
what is that . . .oh my love, my love ... I hear your footsteps! 
[Throws her arms around Volstead senior. 

J.-V. You've broken my spirits on the "Rikiavik" and now you'd 
break my bones. Do you think you have an assignation with me 
. . . or do you think I am your secretary Mister Clarence? Say, 
I saw him down in the village with a couple of Janes on his arms. 

Matilda. He is nothing to me. 

J.-V. In any case don't look upon me as a friend. 

Matilda. Your friendship is immaterial to me . . . boot- 
legger. I do not solicit it ... or should I value it . . . 
and in any case I do not know who you are. 

J-V. I am John Volstead, descendant of the man who gave his 
name to the Prohibition Amendment of the Constitution of the 
United States. 



24 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actu 

Matilda. What is your business? 

J.-V. You know . . . I am a bootlegger. 

Matilda. I see. 

J.-V. Do you think anyone does anything else on Tarpon Island 
. . . except grow bottles? 

Matilda. I don't understand. 

J.-V. We bootleggers call cocoanuts "bottles." 

Matilda. Do you? 

J.-V. I told you I am no friend of yours. 

Matilda. You are the most truculent virago of a man I have 
ever met, but I think you as harmless as a chrysalis. 

J.-V. They call me the "Hootch King." My family and I have 
run more liquor into the U. S. A. than any other wine merchants in 
the Bahama Islands. 

Matilda. What godsends you must have been to poor, thirsty 
Americans. 

J.-V. Or more than any single firm of wine merchants in Canada^ 
Mexico or Cuba. 

Matilda. I do not doubt it . . . you must have made a 
good thing out of the business. 

J.-V. I have indeed . . . and my son Jack is the sole heir 
to my large fortune. 

Matilda. What has your son got to do with the conversation? 

J.-V. You know. 

Matilda. Do I? 

J.-V. Didn't you try to get him to meet you last night . . . 
in this palm grove . . . and around midnight! You've been 
tampering with the young man's affections. I call it scandalous. I 
( . . 

Matilda. [Cutting him short.'] Why did he not come to sec 
me here? 

J.-V. I locked him up in the house so he couldn't come . . . 
and he whined about it all night. Now his poor mother's dead, it's 
'my duty to look after his upbringing. 

Matilda. [Aside.'] Oh, poor Jack. Oh, how he does love me 
. . . he cried all night . . . shed tears for me. 

J.-V. You have designs on his hand on account of the money he 
Will inherit. 

Matilda. You are a dam fool. 

J.-V. What? 

Matilda. I say you are a dam insular parochial minded man 
without refinement or culture. Your ancestor, the founder of your 



ACTu] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 25 

house, was a prince compared to you and an honest man to boot with 
honest convictions ... do you thmk that I, Admiral Matilda 
Cabot, the idol of the great American people, would marry a boot- 
legger's son for money. [Aside.] Ah ... 1 might marry him 
for love. [Aloud.} Do you thmg that I, the conqueror ot the Turks 
at the Battle ot 1 ripoli, could not marry a Rockeielier, an Astor, 
or a Vanderbiit, or a Jford . . . 

J.-V. Or a Fierce Arrow. 

Matilda. JNone of your impertinence. Enough of this idle talk. 
Where is your son? 

J.-V. He is under lock and key in my villa. 

Matilda. [Aside.} No wonder the Bosun colildn't bring him 
but she'll get him out yet if I know her properly. 1 hope 
she will keep this matter secret. I should not like my private affairs 
to be known aboard the fleet. I think she can keep a secret though. 
[Turning to J.-V.] You say your son Jack is locked up. In what 
room is he confined? 

J.-V. I've shut him in his bedroom . . . perhaps he might 
go and dance with your officers. They're at it already this morning 
down in the village . . . you're a gay lot, you dry navyites. 

Matilda. You do Jack a grave injustice. He would not . . . 

J.-V. Would not what? 

Matilda. Would not dance with anybody but me. 

J.-V. I'he idol of America, the conqueror of the Turks. 

Matilda. Well, am I not? [Blows a whistle.} We shall see! 

[Enter BosuN and Gunner. Matilda seats herself at a camp 

table. The sailors stand at attention behind her. 

J.-V. is standing facing her across the table somewhat ill at 

ease . . . and feigning a courageous attitude. 

Bosun. [Saluting.} Dispatches from the Secretary of the Navy, 
Admiral. [Hands her a love epistle from Jack. 

Admiral. Excuse me a minute while I look over these dispatches. 
They are of the utmost importance. [Aside, reading the letter.} 
. . . "Darling, I could not sleep; I was all a tremble thinking of 
you . . . my father has locked me in my room to prevent me 
seeing you, but I will escape ... I will climb down the blossom- 
laden creeper that blooms near my window. Love laughs at lock- 
smiths." Climb down the blossom-laden creeper and come to me ! Oh, 
darling Jack . . . dear Jack . . . 

Bosun. [Saluting.} Any answer to the Secretary of the Navy, 
Admiral. 

Matilda. Tell her . . . tell her. Bosun Jane, that the Ad- 



26 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii 

miral of the Prohibition Navy will be waiting for her at the ap- 
pointed rendezvous ... in the Caribbean Sea . . . [Aside 
to Bosun.'\ . . . "Neath the shade of the sheltering palm." 

[Bosun salutes and disappears for a minute, 

J.-V. What do you intend to do? 

Matilda. I intend to ask you a few questions. Until you have 
answered them vou are placed under close arrest. 

T.-V. What for? 

Matilda. Cocoanuts. 

J.-V. Tarpon Island is outside the Three Mile Limit. The Island 
is a British possession. Your action is illegal. 

Matilda. I am not so sure about that. Do you know the pro- 
visions of the Haines-Punchford Treaty between the United States 
and Great Britain? 

T.-V Of cotiT<;e I do. I am the oronrietor of Tarnon Island. 
The Hsiinps-Piinrhford Tre^tv affects mv interests as owner. 

Matttda. WVtprpin lip<i the value of this island to you, its pro- 
prietor? Is it agriculture? 

T-V. I will be oerfectly frank with you. 

Matilda. By all means. {Lights a cigarette."] Let me hear your 
views. 

J.-V. Taroon Isbnd has little or no aericultural possibilities 
. . . but as a base for bootlegging it is unrivalled. 

Matilda. I know whv . . . but I should be interested to 
hear an ernression of oninion from so successful a bootlegger as you 
are. Mr. Volstead. Proceed ... if you please. 

J.-V. This island is todav exactly three miles and fiftv yards from 
the coast of Florida When my grandfather purchased it in the late 
seventies of last century it was several miles further awav from the 
United States ... at least two miles . . . but in the fifty 
years that have elaosed since then, the mainland has approached the 
island and the island has approached the mainland . . . the 
work of drifting sandbanks. As a navigator you must be aware that 
the confieuration of these coasts is always changing . . . and 
every few years they have to be recharted. 

Matilda. That is true. I know it. 

J.-V. In other words the British Island and the United States 
have been approaching each other. 

Matilda. A getting together of England and America . . . 
symbolic of the good relations that exist between our two countries, 
Mr. Volstead. 

J.-V. I am an American I hope. 



ACTii] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 2/ 

Matilda. Only a British subject for business purposes. Eh? 

J.-V. That's correct. I will be perfectly frank with you . . . 
but I detest your dam Blue Laws regulating drinking, kissing and 
smoking. Ah, woman-made stuff . . . the old cats! 

Matilda. And yet you turn the first mentioned category of laws 
to considerable profit, Mr. Volstead. Do you bootleg tobacco as well? 

J.-V. No ! There's not much profit in it. 

Matilda. Let me give you an idea. If you are really outside 
the Three Mile Limit . . . and mind you I don't admit it for 
a moment, why not use Tarpon Island as a winter resort. The priv- 
ileges would be enjoyed by visitors wintering in Florida. Think of 
it. Immunity from punishment for kissing out of doors and out of 
wedlock. 

J.-V. Oh, you're joking. Nobody pays any attention to that law. 
Didn't you try to kiss me in mistake for Clarence? 

Matilda. {Angered.^ I did not. Another word of such base 
calumny and I'll slit your tongue like that of a talking jackdaw. 
Let me proceed with this official examination. 

J.-V. Well, I'll answer you. 

Matilda. When were your last measurements made of the water 
between this island and the mainland? 

J.-V. The straits were surveyed six months ago, at my request. 

Matilda. By whom ? 

J.-V. Hutchins and Mutchins of Miami. 

Matilda. You are fully aware of the provisions of the Haines- 
Punchford Treaty. 

J.-V. I have already told you so. 

Matilda. Let me refresh your memory, Mr. Volstead. 

J.-V. You can if you like. 

Matilda. The treaty was arranged to prevent any possible rup- 
ture between the United States and Great Britain. It disposed of 
the difficult and unusual position of Tarpon Island, the real name 
!of which is San Juan de Biscayo, one of the most knotty problems 
'that has ever exercised the wits of international jurists. Here was 
a possession which had been held by the English since Admiral 
Mordaunt took it from the Spaniards in the year 1648, an island 
so unimportant as to be almost lost sight of in the maps of the 
British Colonial Office ... a mere sand-bar around a spur of 
toral rock with a few palm trees . . . and unimportant Tarpon 
Island would have remained, probably forever, if the Dry Laws in 
the United States had not focussed upon it the glare of political 
limelight. Somewhere around 1922, in last century, it became the 



28 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act ii 

haunt of bootleggers who found the island a sure refuge on foreign 
soil, where they could collect liquor, and smuggle it across the narrow 
Straits into U. S. A. territory. In those days this could be done all 
the more readily as no adequate naval force had been detailed by 
America to prevent the running of tobacco and liquor. 

J.-V. Tobacco was not prohibited till 1944. 

Matilda I stand corrected . . . but to conclude I might 
say that in 1922 there was no great Prohibition Navy as there is 
today . . . only a few discarded submarine chasers, left over 
from the Great War. 

J.-V. Go on . . . you make me sick. 

Matilda. Silence ! 

J -V. All right. 

Matilda. In 1986 the women of the Western States collected 
ten million dollars to purchase Tarpon Island from the British 
government . . . and clean it up . . . for they saw in this 
island an alcoholic menace to the purity of the American people. 

J.-V. Six millions, you mean! 

Matilda. The amount is unimportant. 

J -V. It was six millions. 

Matilda. I say it was ten . . . but in any case the oflFer to 
buy the sovereign rights of the island was declined by the British 
Crown, as it is the policy of the British Empire never to sell their 
feal estate. What happened? In deference to a popular outcry in 
America it was agreed by England that Tarpon Island should auto- 
matically become American when the drifting sand banks of the 
Florida coast and changing configuration of the coast line, to which 
you have just referred, brought the island inside the Three Mile 
Limit ... it was further agreed and covenanted by this famous 
pact, that Penguin Island, a U. S. possession in Alaska, should be given 
to Great Britain in exchange for Tarpon Island. Such are the main 
provisions of the Haines-Punchford Treaty. 

J.-V. Well, what about it? 

Matilda. Only this . . . that last August I received in- 
structions from Washington to remeasure the straits on my next 
visit to Tarpon Island and hoist the American flag if the hydro- 
graphical survey showed three miles or less of water at high tide 
between the island and the coast of Florida. Of course Great Britain 
will raise the Union Jack over Penguin Island . . . and she 
is anxious to do so as a gold mine has been discovered there recently. 

J.-V. So yo\i would ruin my business by making Tarpon Island 
dry! 



ACT II] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 29 

Matilda, I have only my instructions to carry otit. A party from 
the battleship "Lex Prohibita" is measuring the straits this morning. 

J.-V. If you wish to be my daughter-in-law ... 

Matilda. You cannot tempt me . . . Jack . . . 

J.-V. But ... we can do a trade ... 

Matilda. I place duty above everything, besides . . . I do 
not require your consent. 

J.-V. Take heed, I am not the milk-sop father you think me. I 
am a desperate man . . . but I make you this offer . . . 

Matilda. [Cutting him short.'] Bosun, ring up the "Lex Pro- 
hibita" and ascertain if the measurements of the straits are completed. 
If so, I wish to know them. I ordered them to be made at daybreak. 

Bosun. [Telephoning.] Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy! Hey! 
Ship Ahoy S. . .h. . .i. . .p!. . .A. .h. .0. .y! Don't cut me off. Is 

that the "Lex Prohibita" S..h..i,.p ahoy! I don't want 

the Bootleggers Club at Palm Beach ... I want the batttleship 
"Lex Prohibita" of the P . . . Pro . . Prohibition Navy. . . . 
Ship Ahoy! "Lex Prohibita" . . . Admiral's compliments to 
Captain Susan Jones and what's the measurements of the Straits be- 
tween Tarpon Island and the mainland? 

Voice. [After several seconds' pause.] Three mile less five foot. 

Bosun. Three miles less five foot. [Throws her corn cob pipe 
away upon hearing that Tarpon Island is in smokeless territory.] 

Matilda. You hear that, Mr. Volstead. Tarpon Island is five 
feet inside the Three Mile Limit. 

Gunner. Shall I seize his flask? 

Matilda. Whatever for . . . are you a pickpocket? 

Gunner. Aren't we dry. Admiral ! 

Matilda. [Taking no notice of the Gunner's remark.] Mr. Vol- 
stead, you will take this as my official intimation that Tarpon Island 
will shortly become a United States possession and that you will 
therefore be very soon subject to its laws, prohibitory and otherwise. 

J.-V. This is the most terrible day in my life ! 

Matilda. I am sorry for you, Mr. Volstead . . . but I must 
carry out my orders from Washington. British law still holds on 
the Island until the American Flag is formally hoisted. 

[Bosun picks up her corn cob pipe.] 

J.-V. This is the worst news I have had for many a day! 

Matilda. You are wealthy. You can retire from yolir boot- 
legging business. 

J.-V. And go and live in some woman-ridden State in the Middle 
West. Never ! 

Matilda. [Kindly.] You love Tarpon Island? 



30 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii 

J.-V. Indeed I do and I love my trade. I am an honest boot- 
legger trading in good honest liquor . . . that don't give you next 
morning a feeling of the night before. Here on this Island I am 
free from the eternal feminine and its World dominion. I am a 
bootlegger. I glory in it. My father was a bootlegger. My grand- 
father was a bootlegger! This Island ... its palm trees . . . 
the blue sea around it ... my hootch cellars . . . all . . . 
everything, is part of me, is "Home Sweet Home." 

Matilda. You are at liberty to go. 

[Exit John Volstead, showing great grief and anger. Ma- 
tilda, Bosun and Gunner seem somewhat touched. Enter 
Jack . . . Exit Bosun and Gunner. 

Jack. I have climbed down the blossom-laden creeper and here 
I am. 

Matilda. Oh, Jack . . . how brave of you ! You might have 
broken your limbs! 

Jack. Well, I nearly did. 

Matilda. You have broken my heart by your long absence. 

Jack. See, I have written you a sonnet ... to repair it! 

Matilda. [Reading £/.] What exquisite poetry! The Poet 
Laureate of England is a piker compared to you. 

Jack. I am so glad you like it. I wrote it last night. 

Matilda. [Still reading. '\ This verse is divine. I read a lot of 
^wetry about myself after our great victory at Tripoli. It appeared 
in all the newspapers and periodicals in America . . . but it was 
hot in the same class as your sonnet. 

Jack. Oh, my darling. What a beautiful thing to say ... I 
love you so. I did not sleep a wink last night. I was thinking of 
you all the time. If my father had not locked me in my bed- 
room . . . 

Matilda. Did the sailor women of the Dry Navy frighten you ? 

Jack. I ran off quickly . . . when they came with my father's 
two henchmen, Dougal and Jonathan. 

Matilda. But the women did you no harm. 

Jack. One of them tried to kiss me. 

Matilda. What! 

Jack. Don't be so angry . . . she was only in a playful mood. I 
ran away quickly. What a noise the drunken sailor women of the 
Dry Navy made last night. 

Matilda. Well, we must make some allowance for their con- 
duct. The Fleet has been on a long cruise. The sea is not a bed of 
roses even in these days when each sailor-woman in the U. S. Navy 



ACT ii] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY jl 

has a bathroom to herself. It is the only time that such a breach of 
discipline has occurred on a ship of my squadron. The first thing 
I did when I woke up this morning was to telephone that a Court of 
Inquiry should be held. No shore leave will be allowed on the ships 
while my squadron is here. Kiss me, pet ! 

Jack. You must be made of iron ! 

Matilda. Why? Do my lips feel like metal? 

Jack. You are so severe to the sailors. 

Matilda. Discipline must be maintained! 

Jack. And yet, dear Admiral, you are so sweet. I love to feel 
that you rule me. 

Matilda. A woman should always rule a man. 

Jack. Y-e-s. 

Matilda. [PuMing her arm 'round Jack.] Darling . . . will 
. * . will you marry me? 

Jack. This is so sudden! 

Matilda. You mean "yes." 

Jack. Of course, dear. 

Matilda. Oh, I feel in the Seventh Heaven. 

Jack. I am enveloped in a golden cloud. What ecstasy. My 
feet do not seem to touch the ground! 

[A pause. 

Matilda. We will be married after the Spring manoeuvers. 

Jack. How lovely. I cotint the minutes. 

Matilda. And then, sweetheart, we will embark aboard the 
"Sahara" for a cruise in the Mediterranean. 

Jack. And I shall be the Admiral's "hubby." 

Matilda. As such you will be received by Royalty. 

Jack. I, a bootlegger's son. 

Matilda. A husband's position is that of his wife. 

Jack. How stupid of me not to remember. I shall have to read 
up a book on etiquette. 

Matilda. Yes, you have a good head on you. [Pats his head."] 
You'll pass muster with a little practice. 

Jack. Shall I see the Queen of Spain? 

Matilda. Yes ... and the Sultana of Turkey. 

Jack. How nice. Must I kiss their hands? 

Matilda. You will visit the Vatican. All the Royalty of Eti- 
rope will entertain us in their palaces! 

Jack. Above all others I'd love to see the Princess of Wales. 

Matilda. [An idea seizing her.] Why, she shall be best-woman 
at our wedding. I'll postpone the Spring manoeuvers of the fleet, 



32 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actd 

as they will spoil our honeymoon, and our marriage shall take place 
right away. It's too good a chance to miss. [Rushes to telephone.} 
Give me Her Majesty's Ship "Renown." 

Voice. I am the yeoman of signals! 

Matilda. Admiral Matilda Cabot speaking. Put mc on to the 
Princess of Wales. 

Voice. Aye! Aye! Admiral. 

Matilda. Is that you, Wales, old Top? 

Voice. I am the Princess of Wales. [Recognizittff Matilda's 
voice."] How are you, old thing! Where are you? 

Matilda. Referring to the Haines-Punchford Treaty, Tarpon 
Island is now inside the Three Mile Limit. Can you come and haul 
down the flag? 

Voice. All right, my old Benbow. Take the bally place. Pen- 
guin Island'll do England Al. Just discovered a gold mine there. 
I'll come and arrange the transfer. 

Matilda. Say, Wales, will you be best- woman at my wedding? 
I'm going to be married tomorrow. 

Voice. Delighted, old thing. Congrats! How's the tarpon fish- 
ing? 

Matilda. Fine! [Rings off . . . farmn^ /o Jack.] You sec 
1 fixed that up all right. 

Jack. [With admiration in his eyes."] Wonderful . . . wonder- 
ful] You have arranged for the Princess of Wales to be best-woman 
at our wedding , . . but can't she stay here a week or so? . . . 
I'm sure my father would like to entertain her at his villa. 

Matilda. Why do you say that, Jack? 

Jack. Well, isn't tomorrow a little too soon for our wedding, 
only twenty-four hours' engagement ! What about my trousseau ? 

Matilda. Nonsense Jack . . . you are a sailor's fiance. A 
sailor cannot stand delay. 

Jack. Well, of course I consent. How could I do otherwise? 
You have such a masterful way, darling. When will the "Renown" 
be here? 

Matilda. Tomorrow morning at daybreak. You will be awak- 
ened by the salute of guns. 

Jack. I shall not sleep a wink. I shall be dreaming of my wed- 
ding and the Princess of Wales being best-woman. [Takes out a 
small mirror and powder puff from a vanity hag.] 

Matilda. Oh yes you will. You have arrears of sleep to make 
up after last nig^ht . . . Lets' go for a stroll around the Island. 
We have such a lot to talk about . . . and this afternoon you shall 



ACT II] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 33 

come and take tea aboard my flagship. It will be an opportunity to 
announce our engagement to the officers of the fleet. [Exeunt.] 

[Enter John Volstead, somewhat inebriated, carrying an aerial 
torpedo. 
J.-V. That damned she-Admiral! I'll get her. Going to take 
Tarpon Island away from me and marry my son Jack as well. I'll 
sink her blasted flagship, the "Sahara." It's a dam lie that we're 
inside the Three Mile Limit, which makes us inside the United 
States. The cockeyed Admiral and her female surveyors are mis- 
taken. In the good old days, when men were men, a woman couldn't 
be trusted to measure a yard of cloth properly . . . and as for 
shooting, Hells Bells, they couldn't hit a haystack or a barn door. 
Well, they had to get Clarence to sink the booze-ship. Ha! Ha! He 
was boasting of it up in the village. What days we live in . . . 
and women tell me I'm a reactionary. Hells Bells! Hells Bells I 
With thiis torpedo and its charge of high explosive I'll sink the 
**Sahara" under the sea . . . if she hasn't grounded on the empty 
bottles that her booze-fighting sea she hussies cast overboard. Hells 
Bells! she'll be dryer below water than above it. She's the biggest 
b . , . b . . . booze ship on the ocean. I'll drop it on her from my 
aer-aer-aeroplane if she's not grounded on the bottles and blow all the 
she-sea she-sea she-sea s. .h. .s. .h hussies aboard her into a boozeless 
hereafter. Drop this dam t-t-t-torpedo down the smokestack of 
the "Sahara" from my Brown Bessie. Sure as my name's Volstead. 
It'll stir up her innards! Wish, wish my illustriotis Ances. .tor 
could see me. She'll blow up like the Maine! Say . . . wherc's 
my flying. . .gog. . .goggles? [Lays down the aerial torpedo and 
leaves the stage for a moment.] 

[Enter Dougal. 
DouGAL. What devil's mischief is the boss up to now? I saw 
an ugly look in his eye when he told me that the Admiral said we 
was inside the United States and dry from now on. Eh mon, from 
the presence of yon aerial torpedo I judge he's contemplating mis- 
chief. I shouldna like to see Mr. Volstead get into trouble with the 
authorities. [Unscrews the torpedo and takes out of it a red ball of 
T.N.T., or some high explosive, resembling a croquet-ball.] Noo, 
I've taken the sting out of the iron hornet! Where can I put this 
. . . it's no for nothing I wrought in a mtinition factory in Glas- 
Igaw afore I took to bootlegging. I'll lay this bomb in the hammock 
for safety and put a wee flask of whusky in its place ... eh mon, 
but it's a sair waste o' guid liquor. [Places whiskey-filled cocoanut 
in the torpedo in place of the charge of high explosive and screws it 



34 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [actii 

up.} If I do nae do anither stroke of work the day, I'm thinking it's 
a day weel spent. Mister Volstead's been a good boss to me and I 
wouldna like to see him in trouble . . . 

[Enter BosuN and Gunner with red badges on their sleeves, 
showing that they are detailed as shore police for the day. 
Bosun. My lad, I arrest you ! [Collars Dougal.] 
DouGAL. What for? 

Gunner. We saw you open that case of liquor on American 
soil. 

Bosun. Inside the Three Mile Limit! 

Gunner. You will be confined on the "Sahara" till the Admiral 
decides what to do with you. You may be a day or two in the 
jship's cell before your case comes up for trial. It's a serious offence I 
I'll collect some of the evidence. [Both pick up as many cocoanuts 
as they can carry.} 

DoUGAL. I'm thinking you're a little preemeeture! The British 
'flag's no been hauled down yet . . . and we're no subject to ony 
of your Dry Laws till you've hoisted the Stars and Stripes. 

Bosun. [Dragging off Dougal.] We'll see what we'll see. I tell 
you that you're inside the Three Mile Limit. We're the naval 
police of the day and it's for us to judge. 

Gunner. No booze allowed, Scottie . . . Quick . . . 
march . . . 

[Exit Bosun and Gunner with prisoner, 
[Enter John Volstead with an airman's mask and goggles 
which he dons in full view of the audience. He takes the 
aerial torpedo, hangs it on the rear of the plane, and 
gives the aeroplane propeller a turn or two. 
J.-V. {Shaking his fist seawards.} Hells Bells! Hells Bells 1 
Hells Bells! I'll sink the "Sahara," I'll sink her and her she sea Ad- 
miral or my name's not John Volstead. 

[Exit pushing off plane. 



THE THIRD ACT 



ACT III. 

[Princess of Wales appears with a fishing rod. She is 
dressed in white with a short skirt. 

Princess of Wales. What a rummy place this is . . . Tar- 
pon Island ... let me see, its real name is San Juan de . . . 
something or other ... I can't remember what it is . . . my 
mother, the Queen, has so many possessions ... I can't remember 
all their names, although I used to collect postage stamps Well, it 
is a rummy place. I thought I should find somebody to row me out 
tarpon fishing. By Jove, it's nice to get away from that awful crowd 
on the "Renown" ... I had a brain wave and gave 'em all the 
slip this morning before breakfast . . . and jumped on the pinnace 
that was sent ashore to buy fresh vegetables . . . awfully good 
idea of mine . . . it is difB'Cult to get away from 'em all . . . 
they think because I'm t!he Princess of Wales that I'm always getting 
into danger. [Sits down in the hammock and plays with red ball of 
T.N.T. explosive."} Have the linfortunate islanders nothing better 
to do than play croquet . . . well, I don't think much of this 
place . . . however, it will be nice to see my dear old American 
friend, Admiral Matilda Cabot. It will be absolutely ripping. I 
like the jaunty way that she tilts her cap on the side of her head like 
the pictures of Admiral Beatty in our ballroom at Balmoral Castle. 
I feel so fed up rotating 'round the World and meeting all sorts of 
impossible potentates ... it will be a change to meet somebody 
really nice like Matilda. Oh, she is a dear . . . not like the 
crusty old English Admirals with one foot in the grave . . . and 
the other on ... a cocoanut. [Trips over a nut but does not let 
the ball of T.N.T. fall. Picks up cocoanut and puts back the bomb 
into the hammock.] There can he nothing so refreshing in the early 
morning as the nice, juicy milk of a tropical cocoanut . . . 
except, of course, a nice cuip of tea . . . and I missed my break- 
fast this morning. A bit of all right, I should say. [Tastes if.] 
Why, the milk has fermented. What a pity. 

[Throws down the nufi. in disgust, 
[Enter Dougal. 

DouGAL. It's a bonny sunrise across the Caribbean Sea the mom- 

35 



36 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act iii 

ing, my lassie . . . and now who will you be? 

Princess. Oh, I'm Miss Windsor. 

DouGAL. You'll be from abroad? 

Princess. My good man, can you row a boat? I've conceived 
an idea to go out tarpon fishing. 

DouGAL. Let's see your hooks [Examines them.'] They wouldnac 
catch a sprat or a finnan haddie! 

Princess. Perhaps you can recommend me to the nearest tackle 
shop. 

DouGAL. [Lauffhinff.] My lady, there's no a store on the island. 
There's Mr. Volstead's house, about fifteen nigger shacks, and a coon 
church! That's a'! 

Princess. Well, it is a rummy place. You know I thought it 
was a rummy place. 

DouGAL You've said a mouthful. 

Princess. [Aside.] An historic remark. 

DouGAL. It's the sair truth, lady. It is a rummy island, for 
we'cr all bootleggers here. Ha! Ha! 

Princess. How interesting! Are you one? Tell me all about it! 
I do love smugglers. 

DouGAL. You'll no be a Prohibition Officer? 

Princess. [Amused and delighted.] Do I look like one? 

DouGAL. By your accent, I'd say you was English . . . and 
even if you are, I'm glad to meet you . . . for to a puir exile 
from the old country like myself it's the next best thing to seeing a 
Scot, You're a right, bonny lassie. What part of England do you 
hail from? 

Princess. Windsor on the Thrmes, near London. 

DouGAL. That'll be where the Queen of England resides. 

Princess. She lives in Windsor Castle. 

DouGAL. I've no use for her . . . she's a cross old besom, 
and they say she's too fond of gin! 

Princess. I think she prefers Oporto. 

DouGAL. But she's a domfine daughter. 

Princess. Which one . . . Her Majesty has eight children, 
seven daughters, and one son — the Prince Royal. 

DouGAL. Why the Princess of Wales, of course . . . she's 
a fair charmer. 

Princess. I got up early to catch tarpon. 

DouGAL. You've been misinformed . . . it's no the tarpon 
iseason. 

Princess. Well, whatever is there to do in this rotten place? 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 37 

What about shooting? Is there any surf-riding such as I enjoyed in 
the Hawaiian Islands ? Any chance to get some gators ? 

DouGAL. [Looking at her feet.] Have you left your spats in 
London ? 

Princess. I mean an alligator . . . alligators. 

DouGAL. There naen hereabouts. Maybe you would like to 
shoot a blind tiger or two of Mr. Volstead's. 

Princess. Nonsense. Tigers do not live in the Bahama Islands. 

DouGAL. That's so. I was talking through my hat, lady. 

Princess. Well, take me out in that boat. I'd like to catch a 
few redsnappers before breakfast. 

[They jump into boat. 

DoUGAL. [As he pushes off the boat.] The worst of these fishing 
parties is that some dam fool always wants to fish. [Exeunt. 

[Enter John Volstead with his head bandaged with a red 
bandana handkerchief. 

J.-V. Hell's bells ... it was a dud . . . the aerial 
torpedo failed to explode and I crashed to earth on my return flight. 
The bomb dropped right on the Admiral's quarters on the flagship 
"Sahara" . . . and I could see as I looked down that it dis- 
turbed a tea party Admiral Matilda was giving. Well ... I 
was a bit tight at the time . . . but not too drunk to hide the 
license number of my aereoplane . . . fortunately it is one of 
those mass production Ford aeroplanes . . . and there are so 
many of them flying around they'll never suppose it was my good old 
"Brown Bessie" up aloft there! [Pats a propeller blade affectionate- 
ly.] I've missed the Admiral once but Hell's Bells if I don't get even 
with her soon my name's not John Volstead . . . we Volsteads 
are hard to beat. I must think of some plan. [Appears wrapped in 
thought.] My ancestor put it over America . . . I'll put it 
over Admiral Matilda Cabot . . . Hell's Bells! I'll get even 
with her yet. [A pause]. Why, I'll hide my son Jack so that she 
can't find him . . . I'll lock him in a wine cellar . . . 
under my feet . . . the old cellar that my father Oley Vol- 
stead dug in the coral rock as a rum warehouse . . . She loves 
him so much that I shall be able to dictate my own terms . . . 
and she will remeasure the straits with more precision. Hey Jack 
. . . Jack! 

[Enter Jack. 

Jack. Here I am, Father! 

J.-V. Come with me! 

Jack. Don't be angry with me, Father. It's my wedding day! 



38 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act m 

J.-V. I tell you that you're not going to marry Admiral Cabot 
. . . till I say the word. 

Jack. Why the Princess of Wales is to be best woman at my 
marriage. I ... I ... I want to go and dress. Our 
wedding is fixed for two o'clock this afternoon. 

J -V. It's now seven in the morning . . . and you have 
seven hours. I don't say you wont be married to the Admiral . 
perhaps this afternoon . . . but I'm going to arrange the mar- 
riage settlement . . . and I'm going to start the work by lock- 
ing you in Oley Volstead's hootch cellar. D'y see? Come along! 
Jack. I want to go and dress. 

J.-V. I'll dress you. I'll dress you. If your mother were alive 
she'd beat you up. Sure . . . she would. She did it to me. 
[^Drags him ojf.] 

Jack. I hear the guns of the "Renown" saluting the Dry Fleet. 
What will Admiral Cabot say? My wedding day! My wedding 
day! Help me, Matilda! Help me ... to the rescue . . . 
to the rescue. My father's going to lock me in a hootch . 
hootch cellar. I shall die from the fumes. 

J.-V. No fear, lad. You've been brought up among fumes . . . 
fed on fumes ... it wont hurt you to smell them. [Pushes 
open a trap door down which they both disappear. Head and shoul- 
ders of J.-V. reappear. He brandishes a large key.} She'll have to 
remeasure the straits before she gets Jack. [After an interval of a 
few seconds J.-V. emerges from the cellar and relocks the trap door, 
which he hides with brushwood.} 

Exit J.-V. J shaking his fist towards the sea where the Dry Fleet 

is at anchor. 
[Enter BosuN and Gunner carrying flags and pennants, with 
which they proceed to decorate the scene. Among the bunting 
they carry are American and British flags as well as the Royal 
Ensign of Eng'land and the Dry Flag. The last mentioned 
shows a yellow bottle and two empty glasses in white on a blue 
ground, with a catspaw above the bottle. 
[Enter Jonathan. 
Jonathan. What have you done to Dougal . . . it's a 
shame the way you treated him . . . he's as honest a bootlegger 
as sails these seas. 

Bosun. Well, duty is duty, isn't it . . . anyhow the Ad- 
miral ordered his release. We admit we were mistaken in arresting 
him for breaking the Blue Laws. Admiral says we're still on British 
territory . . . until the Stars and Stripes is hoisted. 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 39 

Jonathan. Why all these decorations ? 

Gunner Admiral's orders, my lad. 

Jonathan. Is that so? 

Bosun. Yes, sir! Her Most Gracious Highness the Princess of 
Wales will be here in a few minutes. [Plants a flag-pole."] 

Jonathan. What's the flag-pole for, Bosun? 

Bosun. America is going to take possession of Tarpon Island in 
exchange for Penguin Island in Alaska and the British flag is to be 
lowered by her Most Gracious Highness the Princess of Wales. 
Guess her Momma, the Queen of England, has made a good bargain 
. . . why there's a gold mine on Penguin Island 

Gunner. Gold mine . . . why, the whole Island's pure gold 
. . . except the guano and penguins' eggs . . bargain 

. . . I should say! Those Britishers put it over us every time 
. . . well, I will hand it to them . , . they're mighty slick! 

Jonathan. I hear we're inside the Three Mile Limit 

Bosun. You sure are . . . five feet. And when the British 
flag is hauled down ... no hip pocket tricks ... or I'll 
frisk you for booze. 

Jonathan. But there's no flag flying on the pole. 

Bosun. I'll see to that. [Hauls up the Union Jack.] These 
Britishers hadn't a respectable flag on the Island. I took this out 
of the "Saraha's" flag locker for the ceremony. 

Gunner. It's up-side down! I know cause I used to be yeo- 
woman of signals aboard the old "Waterspout." 

Bosun. [Looking at the flag critically.] I don't see any differ- 
ence. 

Gunner. I don't suppose it will be noticed by the Princess of 
Wales. 

Bosun. You and me, shipmate, are the only two sailor-women 
allowed ashore from the squadron. Our Admiral has stopped all 
shore leave of the Dry Fleet . . . both for officers and women. 
All the women broke ship my hearty and the Admiral says conducted 
themselves worse than we did. Every woman Jill of them has lost 
two years' seniority 

Gunner. So that makes us the gainers of eighteen months' senior- 
ity. 

Bosun. Wont our husbands be proud of us when they hear the 
news! 

Gunner. They say the British ship out there is manned by men. 
. . . I mean half manned by men and half manned by women. 

Bosun. That is so . . . but of course it's only the junior 



40 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [ACTin 

ratings aboard the "Renown" that are men. The able seamen are 
all women! 

Gunner. Those Britishers are still so old fashioned. They stick 
to booze like barnacles to a ship's bottom! 

Bosun. Think of it! Men sailors. What is the world coming 
to? Women's rights are being infringed upon. Men should be 
ashore pushing baby carriages! 
• Gunner. \_Looking at Jonathan.^ And go carts. 

Bosun. And perambulators. 

Gunner. I suppose the employment of men in the British Navy 
is a sop to the male voters. Why, in the good old U. S. A. the 
women defranchised the men fifty years ago! 

Bosun. When we stopped their booze and tobacco they sure did 
lose heart. 

Gunner. I hear it said that in England unmarried men have the 
right to vote between the ages of thirty-five and fifty-five. 

Bosun. Subject to certain restrictions. 

Gunner. That's so . . . say, will the Engish sailor bds 
be allowed ashore? 

Bosun. No, mate . . . nary a one of them ... I hear 
shore leave is suspended on the "Renown." 

Gunner. More's the pity. There some pretty pieces of baggage 
among the English sailor lads. 

Bosun. I was looking over Mother Gary's chickens as we call 
'em with by binoculars before breakfast. 

Gunner. The EngHsh lads have good complexions. They don't 
use rouge. 

Bosun. It's the climate of England that does it . . . Hist! 
Here's the Admiral and the Princess of Wales. 

[Enter Matilda, the Princess of Wales, John Volstead, 
DouGAL and Putan Take, the last a Hindu man-servant 
in gorgeous oriental costume. J.-V. is somewhat inebriated 
but sobers gradually during the ceremony. 

Princess. Admiral meet my man-servant Putan Take. He can 
make a wonderful rice curry. 

Matilda. [Shaking hands."] Mighty pleased to meet you. 

Princess. [Aside.] I was taught to be democratic ... so 
I introduce everybody to everybody. There's no harm if their hands 
are washed. [She shakes hands all 'round. Addressing Bosun.] I see 
you wear the Tripoli medal, my brave woman. A glorious battle. 
[Recognizing her.] Ah! Bosun Jane! Did you not caddie for us 
at Monte Carlo? [Turning to Admiral Matilda.] I'd have given 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 41 

a year of my life to have been there with you at the Battle of Tripoli 
where you trounced the Turks. [Recollecting herself.^ Of course 
the Sultana of Turkey is Calipha of Islam and my august Mother 
rules over three hundred million Mohammedan subjects, so I bear no 
ill will at all to the Turks . . . but I love excitement and 
danger. [Walks up to the ham?nock and plays with the red ball 
of T. N. T. explosive. Putan Take unties a parcel he has been 
carrying and holds up a leopard skin which he presents to Admiral 
Matida with a beautiful Eastern bow.^ 

Matilda. What a wonderful skin! 

Princess. A present for you, Admiral. I shot this cat in India. 
It is a cheetah. 

Matilda. Thanks, Princess. It will look fine in my card room. 
They say cheetahs are most ferocious. 

Princess. I love danger. 

DouGAL. For God's sake dinna drop that red ball. 

Matilda. Keep perfectly still. Princess, you are in danger. 

Princess. Is there a snake? [Makes as if to throw the ball of 
T. N. T. at an imaginary one. A'll run out except the Admiral and 
the Princess who both keep perfectly cool.'\ What's the matter? 

Matilda. Princess, keep cool ! In your hand you hold a bomb 
which if detonated by concussion will blow you and all of us to 
kingdom come. 

Princess. Thanks, Admiral . . . after what you have told 
me I am unlikely to drop it. I wonder how it got here. 

Matilda. The women of my fleet will leave these things about. 
I've even known them smoking in the powder magazine of my flag- 
ship Give me the torpedo charge. 

Princess. Here it is. 

Matilda. [Taking it.~\ Most deplorable carelessness. Someone 
shall suffer for this. I'll hold a court martial . . . Now it's 
harmless. I have removed the detonator and fuse. 

Princess. I thought it was a croquet ball . . . another near 
escape from death to enter in my diary. I feel in as good a humor 
as if I had shot a tiger from the howdah of an elephant. 

[Seeing the danger is over all re-enter. 

Matilda. The flagstaff is over there. Is it your pleasure that 
we transfer Tarpon Island? 

Princess. Of course, my dear Admiral. Naturally the cession of 
the Island precedes the marriage ceremony. I appreciate so fully, 
my dear Matilda, that you would like to be married on American soil. 



.42 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act iii 

It has certain advantages . . . the State of Nevada ... I 
hear . . . and Reno, its capital. 

DouGAL. It will be a dry wedding then, lady Princess. 

Princess. A British ship is British soil . . . you shall have 
the wedding dinner on the "Renown." 

Matilda. Well, now isn't that fine. [Aside.] I wonder where 
Jack is. Surely he can't be far off. I thought he would come to the 
ceremony. I suppose he is dressing for the wedding. In any case 
it IS said to be unlucky for the bride to see the bridegroom before the 
ceremony on their marriage day. An old superstition that doesn't 
cut much ice with me, but it may with Jack . . . he's a man ! 

Princess. I'll ask the captain of the "Renown" to steam at least 
three miles away from the coast of Tarpon Island ... so that 
we can toast the bride and bridegroom with champagne . . . 
without breaking the law! You Americans become martyrs for 
ideals. Now for the ceremony of lowering the flag. 

J.-V. It's illegal. I pro-pro-protest! 

DouGAL. Hoots man! You get a million dollars compensation 
from the insurance company the moment the island's transferred and 
loses its wet privileges. 

Bosun. Silence! 

Princess. Are any colonists of the Crown Colony of Tarpon 
Island present? [She assumes a very serious air.] 

[John Volstead, Dougal and Jonathan sPep forward. Prin- 
cess salutes the flag and all present do likewise and stand to 
attention. 

Princess. Who hoisted that flag? Why it's upside down! 

Bosun. I did, lady! 

Princess. Tarpon Island is flying the signal of distress. 

Dougal. Well, it's going dry. Is that no a sound and sufficient 
reason ? 

Princess. Will you be good enough, my brave boatswain, to hoist 
the flag properly? 

Bosun. Aye! Aye! Princess. [Does so.] 

Princess. With your permission. Admiral, I will address a few 
words to these good colonists before we proceed to exchange Tarpon 
Island for Penguin Island. 

Matilda. Go ahead. Princess. 

Princess. [Addressing J.-V., Dougal, and Jonathan.] Worthy 
colonists! You stand at an outpost of the British Empire, an Em- 
pire upon which the sun never sets ! Laborious must have been your 
toil among the cocoanut groves of this barren island, and small 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 43 

indeed must have been your recompense in worldly goods . . . 
but yours has been a great work. Without your constant attention 
to irrigation this island would have been only a dry sandbank. No 
flower or shoot or shrub would have sprung to life upon it. You 
and your ancestors by frugal habits, abstemious living, and laborious 
toil have turned Tarpon Island into an earthly paradise. Around 
me I see the fruits of your labor. Indeed, this cocoanut I hold in 
my hand is emblematic of your toil. I see in the distance a beautiful 
villa with a charming garden and in the garden are growing bananas, 
pineapples and cassava ... a veritable Garden of Eden. It 
breaks my heart to think that Tarpon Island, this pearl in the crown 
of my Mother the Queen of England is to be removed from her 
imperial diadem . . . and, yet, to no country would I so willing- 
ly see such a jewel bequeathed ... as to the Great Republic 
of the West over which waves the star spangled banner. In the 
name of my most august parent, Fictitia the Fourth, Queen of Eng- 
land and Empress of India, I declare Tarpon Island ceded to the 
United States of America. 

[Putan Take hauls down the flag and wraps it up in the cash- 
mere shawl that had contained the 'leopard skin. 

Matilda. Thanks, Princess. Bosun, run up Old Glory! [Turn- 
ing to colonists.^ You men had better behave yourselves and stop 
bootlegging. We're dry from now on! 

Princess. Well, it was thirsty work . . . can anyone give 
me a drink ... of lemonade. 

J.-V. May I offer you a drink from the flask that belonged to the 
great Volstead ... my ancestor. 

[Exit Dougal, as if someone calls him. 

Princess. No, thanks. 

[Bosun confiscates the famous flask. 

Matilda. I thought your speech was great. Princess! 

Princess. I am so glad. Did you really like it? 

[Exit John Volstead on a call from Dougal. 

Matilda. Indeed I did. 

Princess. Will it be telegraphed all over the world . . . there 
were no reporters present. 

Matilda. We'll see to the publicity part of it later, Princess. 
My talk alone will occupy three columns of the New York Times. 

Princess. But it strikes me that I said more than you did . . . 
and my address is only good for about half a column! 

Matilda. I didn't deliver mine It is in my cabin ... my 
stenographer, Clarence, is preparing it. 



44 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act m 

Princess. May I have the pleasure of perusing it later on. 

Matilda. Certainly, my dear Wales. 

Princess. I caught six redsnappers this morning. The man who 
just walked oH took me out fishing ... a priceless fellow! He 
didn't know who 1 was till I told him . . . atter I had landed 
the third redsnapper . . . but before I told him 1 iearnt a lot of 
inside information about mamma. He declares among other things 
that she is addicted to gin. 

Matilda. Is she ? 

Princess. She prefers Oporto. I shouldn't dare to tell her what 
Dougal said about her. However, he admitted it was only gossip. 

Matilda. Why, you'd dare to do anything. I believe that after 
my marriage you'll kiss my husband before I have time to do so 
myself. It's a best-woman's privilege! 

Princess. I'm not above that. 1 bet he's a good looker and very 
demure. I do like demure men! They're in fashion just now. 
Fashions in men and dogs are always changing. I do so like de- 
mure men . . . and police dogs. 

Matilda. So do I. That's why I chose Jack. 

Princess. I'm dying to see him. 

[Enter John Volstead, now quite sober. 

J.-V. [Excitedly.] Admiral, I have something very important to 
tell you. 

Matilda. Be brief. I am marrying your son at two o'clock this 
afternoon. 

J.-V. I have had the straits between Tarpon Island and the 
mainland remeasured by independent surveyors, Hutchins and Mut- 
chins of Miami. Their report has just come to hand this minute. 
[Shows a paper.] 

Matilda. Well, what about Hutchins and Mutchins of Miami? 

J.-V. The extreme westernly point of Tarpon Island is three miles 
one hundred yards from the mainland. We are outside the Three 
Mile Limit. Tarpon Island instead of approaching the coastline of 
the United States is now receding into the Atlantic. 

Princess. Evidently the island docs not like the prospect of pro- 
hibition ! 

Matilda. Well? 

J.-V. Tarpon Island ... is moving away from America at 
the rate of one hundred yards a year . . . 

Matilda. Indeed ! 

J.-V. The new breakwater at Miami, finished last Fall, has altered 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 45 

the course of the ocean current that piles the sand on the west shore 
of Tarpon Island. 

Matilda. It may have altered the course of the Gulf Stream 
itself for all I care! 

Princess. I hope not. The climate of England is so abominable 
already . . . reciprocity, my dear Admiral. America warms 
Britain with her Gulf Stream , . . and Britain warms America 
with her stream of . . . Scotch, 

J.-V. Tarpon Island instead of approaching the coast of America 
. . . is receding into the Atlantic at the rate of nearly one hun- 
dred yards a year. 

Matilda, That doesn't interest me. 

J.-V. {Turning to Princess-I Princess, cannot you help me? A 
great injustice has been done to me and my son. 

Princess. My good colonist , . , what's the matter? 

Matilda, He's mad because the bootlegging possibilities of Tar- 
pon Island have been removed by the operation of the Haines-Punch- 
ford Treaty and the cession of the Island to America. 

Princess. Can't the poor man get a drink when he wants to? 
It's an Englishman's birthright to get a drink when he wants to. 

Matilda. He's not an Englishman, 

Princess, Well, what's he got to grumble about? Didn't he 
make his own laws? 

Matilda. He wants to continue to be under the British flag to 
facilitate his rum running business and use the Island as a warehouse. 

Princess, Then he's a bootlegger! 

Matilda. Yes, and it's his son Jack that I'm going to marry at 
two o'clock this afternoon. 

Princess, A bootlegger! Isn't he an interesting creature? My 
dear Admiral, pray present him. Bootleggers are so very delightful. 
He may be of use to me in my approaching visit to the United States. 
I do love to meet out-of-the-way people, 

Matilda. Fictitia Princess of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall 
meet Mr. John Volstead. 

Princess. Charmed, I am sure, 

J.-V. [Gruffly.l Glad to meet you. My father Oley Volstead 
supplied your mother with a case of Gordon Gin when she was 
Princess of Wales and was stopping at Chicago. [Hands his card 
to Princess.^ 

Princess. I'm dying to see your son Jack. Do you know that 
I am to be best-woman at the wedding this afternoon. [Reads card."] 
Ah . . . Telegraphic Address "Wood Alcohol, Tarpon Island." 



46 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act hi 

J.-V. There wont be no wedding! 

Princess. What, no wedding . . . why I have been taught 
that two negatives make an affirmative, Mr. Volstead! 

J.-V. Hell's Bells! 

Matilda. Is that the way to speak to the Princess of Wales, Mr. 
Volstead. 

J.-V. I tell you there will be no wedding . . . Hell's Bells! 

Princess. Hell's Bells! Hell's Bells! I can hear them ringing. 
' Matilda. So can I. 

Princess. [Aside.] They must be wedding bells! 

J.-V. Princess, you think your jollying me, but I tell you I'm 
downright serious. I tell you, lady, I love this island. It's been 
in the Volstead family for three generations. If the American flag 
remains flying I shall have to shut up my business and leave Tarpon 
Island. 

Princess. Well, I admit it's hard on you, Mr. Volstead . . . 
but come, don't you think it's a little old fashioned to imagine you 
have any right to decide who your son shall marry? 

J.-V. You don't know me! I'm a desperate man! There shall 
be no wedding between my son Jack and you, Admiral Matilda, un- 
less Tarpon Island becomes British again. That is my final offer 
. . . take it or leave it. 

Princess. But, Mr. Volstead, the American flag has been hoisted 
. . . the island has already been transferred. 

J.-V. There were no reporters present ... 

Matilda. The transfer is legal withoiit newspaper men being 
present. I know something of International Law. 

J.-V. Oh . . . you don't understand what I mean, women! 

Matilda. [With scorn.] You're only a man ! 

Princess. Mr. Volstead, I think you wish Tarpon Island to 
become British again . . . not for any love of England, but in 
order to do some more smuggling ... I am sure that my 
Mother, Queen Fictitia, would strongly disapprove of one of her 
islands being used for such an immoral purpose! 

J.-V. Any wet flag will suit me . . . give me that of the 
Irish Free State. It'll never go dry! 

Princess. It may rain soon. [Looks at the sky and then at the 
flag.] 

Matilda. Why do you object so strongly to the transfer of the 
island after the transfer has been made? You did not say much 
during the ceremony. 

J-V. I was too intoxicated to properly register a protest. Now I am 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 47 

sober . . . and I have jtist realized that I am going to lose a 
million dollars . . . 

Matilda. A million dollars . . . how . . . why? 

Princess. My poor fellow, tell us all about it! You are so ex- 
cited that you have broken Mamma's language and split an infinitive. 

J.-V. Hell's Bells! 

Princess. Tut! Tut! Tut! Tut! 

Matilda. You'd better mend you manners or I'll arrest you under 
the twenty-seventh Amendment. You're on American soil. 

J.-V. Well, "Hell's Bells" is not swearing, is it? 

Matilda. That is for me to decide. How are you going to lose 
a million dollars? 

J.-V. I have an insurance policy. 

Matilda. Won't the company pay ? 

J.-V. It is not liable. 

Matilda. An insurance company is always liable. 

J.-V. I've a use and occupancy or consequential loss policy on 
Tarpon Island that I took out as I thought to protect me against loss 
and damage to my business through Tarpon Island being ceded to 
America under the provisions of the Haines-Punchford Treaty. Here 
it is ! I've just re-read it, and the policy says nothing about the transfer 
of the island to America. The indemnity of a million dollars is only 
payable to me, my heirs, or successors when the insurance underwriters 
have ascertained by the measurements of their own surveyors that at 
high tide Tarpon Island is situated three sea miles or less from the 
coast of America. The policy only speaks of measurements . . . 
not of the cession of Tarpon Island . . not about loss to me 

through its becoming dry. No, only measurements! Measurements! 

Matilda. Well, you have only to wait a year or two and the 
island will be within the Three Mile Limit and you'll get your money 
. . . perhaps my measurements were wrong! Such mistakes do 
happen, even in the Dry Navy. 

J.-V. But I tell you Tarpon Island is now moving out to sea . . . 
the new breakwater at Miami has changed the drift of the sand. 
I am already a hundred yards off one million dollars ... in 
'twenty years* time I shall be over a mile away from a million 
dollars. 

Princess. An idea! Why not claim damages from Great Britain? 

J.-V A fat lot I should get. How can I prove my loss? I keep 
no books. I'm a bootlegger! 

Princess. Well, we've just finished paying off our War Debts. 



48 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [acthi 

Communicate with our Chancellor of the Exchequer and she'll send 
you a check. That's what she's for! Say you're a wine merchant! 
[Curtain drops j and as it rises a great uproar of female voices 
is audible. 

Matilda. I have searched all over the island and I can't find 
Jack. It is now one o'clock and my wedding was to take place at 
two. 

Princess. Dear Matilda . . . is it possible . . . is it 
possible that Jack has jilted you? 

Matilda. Never! Jack loves me too much to jilt me. 

Princess. Perhaps the poor boy has been smuggled out of the 
island by his father. 

Matilda. Impossible! The destroyers "Hyball" and "Beavo" of 
the Dry Navy have been circling around Tarpon Island on patrol 
duty. What . . . what shall I do ? 

Princess What about John Volstead's Ford aeroplane? 

Matilda. There is his Brown Bessie. [Points to aeroplane."] 
Oh, where is Jack; he must be on the island! He cannot be far 
off! 

[Enfier BosuN and Gunner, immediately followed by John 
Volstead, Jonathan and Putan Take minus his bundle. 
The sailors stand to attention and salute. 

Matilda. Bosun, what have you to report ? 

Bosun [Saluting.] The entire ship's company of the "Sahara" 
is ashore searching for Mr. Jack Volstead. 

Matilda. Have my orders been obeyed ? 

Bosun. Yes, Admiral ... the women have searched every 
nook and cranny of Tarpon Island. 

Matilda. Have they found any clues? 

Bosun. Hundreds and hundreds of bottles of it. 

Matilda. You misunderstand me ... I said "clues" . . . 
not "booze." 

Bosun. Beg pardon. Admiral. 

Princess. What a perfect pandemonium those women are making 
. . . I think some of them must be inebriated. 

[All listen to the uproar. 

Matilda. Oh, terrible thought . . . is it possible that Jack 
has been drowned ? Oh, what shall I do ? What shall I do ? 

Bosun. The mine-sweepers of the Dry Fleet are searching for 
his body. 

[Matilda almost breaks down . . . removes her hat for 
first time, 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF TEE DRY 49 

Princess. [After mumblinff some foreign words to Putan Take.'] 
The entire crew of the "Renown" has joined in the search . . . 
men and women. 

\_Enter Dougal, wildly excited. 

DoUGAL. [Rushinff in and addressing Bosun.} Pipe your whistle 
and call off your wild women. Man, it's like Hell let loose! They're 
tearing larpon Island to pieces! I've never seen a sight like it in 
my life. A city put to sack by the Toorks is nothing compared with 
what those sailor women are doing! The crews of all the warships 
is ashore. 

[Matilda breaks down and commences to sob bitterly. 

Princess. 1'here now, Admiral ... be brave! 

Matilda. I love him ! I love him ... I was to marry him 
today 1 

Dougal. I think it can be arranged if you listen to reason You're 
very hysterical for a woman. 

Matilda. He is dead. He is drowned. 

Dougal. No! No! Admiral. Mister Volstead's just secreted 
Jack in one of his numerous hootch cellars. If you haul doon the 
American flag and make Tarpon Island a fit place to enjoy the pusuit 
of happiness ... in other words, make it wet again, there will be 
no impediment to your marriage. 

Matilda. [Tearfully.] Have you any objection. Princess, to the 
island becoming English again. They . . . they've discovered 
that there is no real gold mine in Penguin Island. It's of no value 
to England. I got a wireless just now! 

Princess. My dear Admiral, in any case your happiness is above 
all considerations of Empire. 

Matilda. [Addressing John Volstead.} Will you find me Jack 
if I do as Dougal asks. 

J.-V. Sure, Admiral, if you can make Tarpon Island fit for us 
Volsteads to live in I'll give you the lad . . . with a father's 
blessing. 

Matilda. Where's the Union Jack . . . [Pulls down the 
Stars and Stripes.} 

Princess. It's the first time you've ever lowered your flag, Ad- 
miral. 

Dougal. There's a man in the case. Women are so feeble. 

Matilda. [Hurriedly.} Give me the Union Jack. I'll run it 
up! 

Princess. We haven't one handy. Putan Take found it smelt 



50 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act u, 

so vilely of fermented cocoanut milk that he put it in the boiler of 
the "Renown's" laundry and didn't take it out . . . 

Matilda. What . . . what shall 1 do ? [Looks appealinglj 
at Dougal.J 

DouGAL. Hoist the Prohibtion Flag of the Dry Navy upside 
down! 

Matilda. So I will. [She runs up the Dry Flag. The Bosun 
tries to assist her but she brushes her aside, so anxious she is to 
transfer the island ro Great Britain without delay.] 

Princess. Ihat piece of bunting will do. All Mr. Volstead 
requires is a wet flag. A dry flag upside down is a wet one. 

[All present salute the flag. 

DouGAL. Well, that's that! 

Princess. Wait a minute . . . if you please. Tarpon 
Island has not been annexed ... I mean reannexed. [All 
sdlute the flag again.] in the name and by the command of my 
august parent i^ictitia the Fourth, Queen of Great Britain and the 
Dominions beyond the Seas and Empress of India, I declare Tarpon 
Island once more a British possession. 

[Bosun hands back to J.-V., his historic flask. 

Matilda. Where . . . where is dear Jack? 

J.-V. I'll soon show you. [Kicks away brushwood and opens a 
trap-door 'leading to Oley Volstead's wine cellar. Places his head 
close to the ground.] Jack! [There is no answer.] Jack! Jack! 
Jack! 

DouGAL. Is he suffocated by the fumes of the wine? 

Matilda. Jack ! Jack ! [Rushes down the steps of the cellar and 
reappears with Jack in her arms. She tries to ho'ld him up but he 
faints in the fashion of a girl of the eighteenth century.] 

Princess. He wants air , . . unlace his corsets! 

Matilda, [PFildly.] Why, Jack doesn't wear corsets. What . . 
what shall I do? 

J.-V. I'll fix him. Give him a drop of "rum." 

[Jack comes to slowly. 

Matilda. Oh, darling Jack! 

Princess. The transfer of Tarpon Island to Great Britain was 
just in time. Brandy has saved Jack's life. 

Jack. Where am I? 

Matilda. Do not be afraid. You are with me, dear one. 

Princess. Oh, the pretty boy. How I envy you, Admiral. He's 
a stunner. A regular stunner! 



ACT III] THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY 51 

Jack. Oh, father, why did you treat me so cruelly and lock me 
in your hootch cellar? 

J.-V. Forgive me, Jack. I did it for the best. It was to keep 
the old established firm of Volstead from going into liquidation. 
[Turning to Admiral^] I shall make my son a handsome marriage 
settlement ... as soon as I have incorporated my business, 
which I intend to do shortly. 

Matilda. Thanks, Mr. Volstead. An allowance will be useful 
to me. An Admiral's pay is not as large as some people suppose. 

Jack. Matilda . . . promise me one thing. 

Matilda Anything . . . everything. What is it, darling? 

Jack. That you will give up the sea as soon as we are married. 

Matilda. Oh, Jack! Give up my profession that I love so much? 

Jack. Think how lonely I shall be at home looking after the 
baby. 

Matilda. Well . . . well, it is a great sacrifice . . . 
but I consent. 

Princess. The American woman of the twenty-first century is 
the slave of her husband. 

Matilda. Yes, we are their slaves . . . but in England you 
are not far behind us, in your servitude ! 

Princess. I know. 

Matilda. I will give up the sea. I will hang up my sword on 
the hat-rack of some home in California. I will get a shore job. 
Perhaps at Hollywood. 

J.-V. I will take you into partnership. 

Matilda. I must work. Why should I not be a rum runner? 
All labor is honorable! 

Jack. It is too dangerous. 

Matilda. I know these coasts . . . every creek, key and 
inlet . . . 

J.-V. Fine. 

Jack, Darling, did you not promise to give up the sea? 

Matilda. So I did. Jack. 

Princess. I see I must be the Fairy Godmother . . . 

Jack. As well as the best-woman at our marriage. 

Princess. Yes . . . Jack. Matilda . . . may I call 
him Jack . . . it's so, so . . . democratic! 

Matilda. Of course. 

Princess. I have a suggestion to make. 

Matilda. What is it. Princess? 

Princes^. That you, Admiral, become Ambassadress of the United 



52 THE ADMIRAL OF THE DRY [act hi 

States at the Court of St. James. M3' august Mamma, Queen Fic- 
titia, can arrange the matter. She is really an awfully good sort and 
i'f I approach her in the right way, after lunch is the best time, she'll 
be delighted to write an autograph letter to Mrs. Woodrow Harding, 
your President, asking that you should be appointed Ambassadress to 
Great Britain in London. 

Matilda. That would suit me. 

Jack. Oh, it would be wonderful! 

Trincess. I am sure, my dear Admiral, that you would make a 
most excellent Ambassadress and that your charming husband-to-be 
would give such delightful receptions. 

Matilda and Jack together. Isn't that grand. Well, it is good 
of you, Princess. 

Jack. Father, you will come and see us in England in the dull 
season, when your business is quiet! 

J.-V, My business is never quiet. I've a continent over there to 
irrigate . . . but I'll come and see you in England every now 
and then. I'll turn in this old Brown Bessie of a Ford [daps the 
aeroplane propeller] and I'll buy a real long distance plane! 

Princess. I fancy, Mr. Volstead, that I hear the sound of bells. 

J.-V. It's the old nigger parson at work. Princess. You don't 
mind being married in a coon church, Admiral? There's no other 
on Tarpon Island. 

Matilda. Anything will suit me! 

Princess. What an interesting experience — a coon church — so 
democratic ! 

Jack. What is that music, darling? I seem to know the tune! 

Matilda. It is the "Sahara's" band playing "The Battle of Tripoli 

. . the battle where we trounced the Turks . . . today 
is the anniversary of the victory. [She grips the hilt of her sword 
and for a moment gazes vacantly seawards. Then offering her arm 
to Jack, Admiral Matilda Cabot walks off the stage.] 

The curtain falls. 



^^A 



^^1 



